GGFM # 151

The Truth

Hares: Legs Lesley & Got Wood?

Pre-lube: Village Idiot

Start: 8^th Avenue and 14^th Street

On-In: PJ Kelly’s

Punk Ass Bitch (Scribe): Mean Jean the Down Down Machine

After a long hard day of doling out justice in the big bad city, your Grand Jury secretary happily strode up to the Village Idiot, the pre-lube bar for the evening’s GGFM. It’s a little-known fact that “I love the smell of Village Idiot in the evening,” was actually a line cut from Robert Duvall’s famous speech in Apocalyse Now. Yes, this is the only bar in the city where smoking ought to still be allowed as a public health precaution against the deadly combination of old-dried-up beer, body odor, urine, and old-dried-up man smell that emanates from the pores of this establishment. If only the beer weren’t so damn cheap there! On top of the wall of odor, we were also treated this evening to a patron’s ass crack…some people take the “full moon” concept too seriously. Wet Willy, Bottom, Kyle, Scooter, the Bachelor Rich, were among the lubers; a small but dedicated group of drinkers willing to brave the Idiot.

The sky was threatening and the warm day turned a bit chilly on us so we weren’t happy hashers when we arrived at 14^th and 8^th Ave at 7:25 to find nary a Hare in sight. Lesley and Heather’s cell phones rang unanswered and Scot’s Father Abraham distraction was not met with the enthusiasm we would have hoped. The start was marked so at least we knew a trail had been started. It was a gamble (just days after Bottom had been arrested mid-stream whilst setting trail) but Fast American Dave was dispatched to seek out the first mark so at least we could get the increasingly grumbley pack on their way. He came back pointing south on Eighth Avenue and off everyone went but the Keystone hashers got all bunched up rather quickly at what looked to be a circle jerk not a block from the start. Well, I was entertained anyway. Eventually they continued on south and east into the West Village side streets as they eventually made their way downtown. Heather and Lesley moseyed on up about twenty minutes later with Heather declaring that she thought the GGFM started at 7:45 although the other 30 hashers (including Lil Kim!) managed to get the time right! The hashmobile cab came across a lost Wet Connection on trail as we made our way south to the on in, PJ Kellys. 

Our usual downstairs haven at this bar we found filled with pasty-faced Fantasy Baseball Draft participants who all looked like they hadn’t seen a woman in a few years. Come on boys, there are better fantasies than baseball! We were assured they were nearly finished and that we’d all fit in peace and harmony. We knew better. I even bet a couple of the A/V Club alumni that we’d be more annoying than they were. (I didn’t even go into the aromas our sweaty ranks, so to speak, would be giving off). The pack started arriving soon after and in usual convivial hash style, we rolled on as A-Rod was auctioned off for $2.50. They seemed to be withstanding the smell alright but how would they do with the singing?

And thus, the Circle was called

Hares Heather and Lesley drank for setting trail and for being late to the start. (“Hymn to the Hares…Fuck Them…)

There were the usual virgins whose names this scribe cannot recall save for a very fast girl named Jackie who gave our FRBs a r*n their money.  (“Here’s to the Virgins….

Next up we had Kyle who had been propositioned the night before after a high-falutin’ black-tie affair by a couple of $300 hookers. He kept their business cards for, a-hem, show. (We’ll check his Mastercard statement later!).

Fast American Dave was called up for stopping on trail to point out his apartment as the pack went by.

So this is the point where the fantasy baseball geeks said enuff is enuff and we were unceremoniously booted (Down Downus Interuptus). We brought the show up the stairs so we could annoy a whole new set of patrons.

Magoo awards were bestowed upon Christine (needing help from the Con Ed guy to get back on trail) and Jon (blowing by the on in) but Jon excitedly took JM Scot up on bought a GGFM cap so he could give his down down to Fast American Dave.

Nominations from the floor included Kyle giving a down down to Lil Kim for charging her cellphone at the bar; Bottom who gave the hares an additional down down for the fantasy baseball screw up; and WC gave one to one of the virgins for showing us his underwear.

All this Fantasy Baseball talk got me thinking about what a fantasy hash league might be like

[insert swirly Wayne’s World dream sequence music here]

Welcome to the Greater Gotham Fantasy Hash League

 
The players on the GGFM  fantasy team’s active roster earn points based on the statistics they generate in real GGFM hashes. Those fantasy points are added together to determine your fantasy team’s weekly total. The points earned are dependent on whether you are participating in a league using the traditional rotisserie, 5 x 5 or sabermetrics. The table below displays the statistical categories:

On Out.