Start: West 94th St. & Broadway
1020 Bar, 110th St & Amsterdam Lion’s Head, 109th St & Amsterdam
Hares: Nice Jugs, Just Lynn, & Punk Ass Bitch
Scribe: Speedo Gonzalez
Hey boys and girls, put your pants back on, because Uncle Speedo’s here with Hot Weather Running Tips. I’m kidding about the pants, by the way. I sure ain’t wearing any.
Hot Weather Running Tip #1: It’s hot as hell out there. Make sure you drink plenty of fluids. Basically, you’ll want to get good and liquored up – but just enough so that going out there seems like a good idea. Dive Bar, on Amsterdam, is a great place to do so.
Hot Weather Running Tip #2: Like I said, it’s pretty hot out there. You’ll want to have a clear plan, so you don’t overexert yourself. Or you can just wing it. Pick up your bag and set it down in several different spots – this will help blow off any surplus energy you may have at the start. Also, while on most Hashes, chalk is provided to the pack, there’s really no need to bother with it. We’ll just assume the trail is an immaculately-marked masterpiece, and why should the FRB’s have all the fun solving checks?
Hot Weather Running Tip #3: It’s kinda hot out there. Keep on taking on those fluids. An extra beer, halfway through your run, is a great way to stay stupid. Did I say stupid? I meant motivated, stupid! That way, if you see the chicken/eagle split, you’ll have the confidence to say "Screw it! I’m going Eagle!"
Hot Weather Running Tip #4: Fuck me, it’s hot out there. Let’s hit every hill, stairway, or incline possible. Let’s hit them all. Life is a mountain, let’s climb this bitch.
Hot Weather Running Tip #5: Jesus H. Christ, it’s hot as balls out there. Tornado warnings? Eff that noise. We’re going anyway.
Hot Weather Running Tip #6: GOD DAMN IT’S HOT OUT THERE. SHIT. It’s very reassuring when you see the ol’ "BN" mark, meaning soon we’ll be safe and sound and in a bar. But keep in mind, that’s what the hares are thinking too, and in their rush to get there they might just stop marking trail. That’s okay though – a little extra never hurt, right?
Hot Weather Running Tip #7: Bullshit it’s only June and it’s going to get hotter than this. Bullshit all over that! Should the On-In be conducting its weekly Trivia Night when we arrive, simply grab your stuff and move on to another bar. We don’t want to intimidate the civilians with the sharpness of our minds.
– The Hares, because they are beautiful people and we love them for the magnificent trail they set for us.
– The Visitors, of which I remember there being none.
– The Virgins, of which there were several, but only two survived to the end. One of them’s dad made him come. NO INCEST.
– Cheeky Bastard, who was inspired by the geese in Morningside Park to perform his rendition of "Swan Lake." By the time we got to Circle, however, the muse had left him, and he instead performed some half-assed pirouetting.
– Liz, for something something RSA key. I don’t recall exactly. Drink your beer.
– Nice Jugs, one of our lovely Hares, who gave the virgins their chalk talk right in front of the door to a Duane Reade. I don’t know if this had anything to do with why so few of them made it to the end. I have my suspicions, but I don’t know.
– Fire in the Piehole, for whining on trail. Or would it be whinging? Either way, we’ll have none of it. There’s no crying in Hashing. Not until you’re much, much drunker anyway, and the weight of the world and the failures of your life finally become too, too much to bear.
– Just Matt, who expressed his gratitude at the Drink Check with the wettest fart the world has, to date, ever experienced. Some of us are born great, some of us achieve greatness, some of us have greatness thrust upon them, and some of us just rip one like no other.
– The Hares once again, for their excellent reconnaissance in selecting an On-In that was plastered with flyers advertising their Wednesday Trivia Nights.
– Sir Shaves A Lot, who, like Matt, chose to express his love for the trail bodily, only from the other end. There was some noise from the crowd to rename him "Sir Pukes A Lot," but this motion died in committee.
– Pimpy Longstockings, our esteemed JM, who was found collecting Hash Cash in the second On-In to "help the Hares out." Again, there were THREE HARES. Granted, the very second arrow on trail was pointed in the wrong direction, so perhaps they needed all the help they could get, which is why Pimpy drank with The Hares as they accepted their award of Asshole Of The Week.
– There were Birthdays. Two of them. This is what Facebook is for.
– The JMs were nominated for continually referring to Nice Jugs as Nicole, even though she has a Hash name. Tit-Totaller insisted – insisted! – that the website had her listed as "Nicole," until Salt Lick used her fancy internet phone to prove definitively that this was wrong.
And hey, one last bit of joy to leave you with – the paper on which these notes were written was the back of an Interoffice Memorandum, to the Nursing Staff, Re: Laser Hair Removal. The memo read:
"Please be site specific on the pink laser operative sheet and on the yellow general consent form. This will allow the billers to accurately quote a patient and avoid confusion upon checkout.
"We added these areas to Laser Hair Removal.
"Bikini Line $480.00
"Bikini Full (includes inner thigh area) $600.00
"Brazilian (includes full bikini) $800.00"
So if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go break open my piggy bank. It’s beach season, after all!