NYCH3 #1414

NYCH3 1414 – February 20, 2010

Start:  5th Avenue & 59th Street (southeast corner of Central Park)
On-In:  Village Pourhouse, Columbus Ave between West 108th & 109th Streets
Hares:  Lung Butter & Doggie Erectus
Scribe:  Speedo Gonzalez

Come here, children.  Gather ‘round, and let Uncle Speedo tell you a tale.  You can sit on Uncle Speedo’s lap, if you’d like.  No?  Are you sure?  But I’ve got a surprise for you!  All right, fine, stay over there.  But listen up, ‘cause I’m gonna tell you a story of the Hashers.

It was cold that day.  Sure, a cold day in late February; those never happen!  Well, let me tell you, just a few days earlier, it was warm.  The kind of warm that makes a person optimistic.  Of course it didn’t last, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here.  The point is that it wasn’t exactly the kind of conditions that tend to attract all that many for a r*n.  And yet, there were virgins at this Hash!  And not just one or two, dragged out into the cold by an unfortunate prior association with one of us.  No, there were like, five of them!  Two of whom came completely of their own volition!  For realsies.  Uncle Speedo would never lie to you.

Virgin Hare Lung Butter warned us at the beginning that the trail would suck.  Given such an honest warning, you might expect more people to have called it a day and go straight to the bar.  But these are not your average people, children, these are Hashers.  And while Hashers are known for many things – their alcohol tolerance, for example, or the dulcet quality of their singing voices – common sense is not one of them.  So off they went, up seemingly every damned hill or slight incline in the Park.  Lung Butter also warned that the trail would cross the last week’s trail, and that we should follow the white, not the pink marks.  Now remember this, kids, because it’s going to be important later.  The trail split into Chicken and Eagle, and rumor had it that the Chicken trail may have, in fact, been longer, but this could not be independently verified.  And once we all got to the on-in, with its pitchers of beer and platefuls of chicken wings, no one really cared anymore.

Down downs!
– The Hares, Lung Butter & Doggie Erectus!
– The Virgins!
– The Visitors?  Nope, sorry, children, for this time around there were no visitors.  They just didn’t exist.  Just like Santa Claus.
– Cheeky Bastard and Just Evan, for being FRB’s!
– FMIG, for being DFL!  Sure, Alice technically finished later than him, but people like her.
– Justin and Ben, for enthusiasm unbecoming of a Hasher, in repeating Lung Butter’s warning to avoid pink arrows.  Justin, in particular, was very vocal about this matter.  In fact…
– Justin had been shouting to everyone at the start, “Stay away from the pink!  Stay away from the pink!”  And so, in recognition of his apparent phobia, he shall henceforth be known as CHRONIC AVERSION TO PINK!
– Love Boat kept dropping his beer, and for this flagrant alcohol abuse, was declared Asshole Of The Week.
– And finally, the floor nominated virgin Just Alok, for neither r*nning nor taking his down-down with the other virgins.  Granted, Alok currently walks with a cane, so there was a reasonable argument for false accusation, but he took his beer anyway.

And that’s all Uncle Speedo has to say to you tonight, children.  I hope you learned something.  Now, where did you hide Uncle’s whiskey?