KH3#14 – Experimental Theatre

Knickerbocker Hash House Harriers #14

Wednesday 30 December 2009

Start: Warren Street and East Broadway

On-In: Kelly’s

Hares: Wet Willy and Jon the Taller

Scribe: Mickey Mouth


Welcome, welcome! To the KH3 Experimental Theatre! I’m Mickey Mouth, your Emcee. Tonight we have open mike night, theme is KH3 #14, so all you talented hashers, come on up and show us your stuff!

(Noah’s Dinghy comes out and hands Mouth a piece of paper) Okay! First up, we have Fast American Dave! Give it up!


FAD: (walks on stage, one hand holds a guitar, the other a pint of ale, with a little red straw in it. He sits on the stool, puts the beer down, and adjusts the microphone…) Good evening folks. My name is Fast American Dave and most of you know me as the Front Running Bastard. What you may not have known, is that my true passion, my first love, is singing. Why do you think I run so fast? To get out to where I can let my voice be free and flood over the countryside. Tonight I will be singing about the run…here it goes…it’s a ballad…hope you enjoy it…


Way down south on Warren, they huddled against the cold.

Only Fireman Tim and the Pie Hole were that bold.

Oh…testicles of steel.

The hares they set us off, 69down to Mean Jean,

Let’s run hand in hand, this way the path will be seen.

Oh…it was a deal.

I forgot, that at the start, a homeless man took the mike.

He tried to get our money, then he tried for Mouth’s bike.

Oh…you ain’t getting her wheels.

Ran down to the sea port, where the icy wind doth storm.

USMarine Whore thought, a visor with earwarm-

Ers…don’t copy her idea.

The subway was a trick, Mean Jean was too clever.

But also, I am feeling good, I could run forever.

Oh…wind briefs are ideal.

Finally to the on-in, Kelly’s a real fine place.

The run was good, now it’s time to forge some disgrace.

Oh…Beer deal is a steal.

Thanks Folks! I hope you enjoyed it! (The crowd roars! standing ovation! FAD walks off the stage). 

MM: Thanks, FAD! That was really great!! I am sure I speak for everyone when I say, who knew  you had such a soulful voice, I mean we knew you were sole-full…get it people, S-O-L-E instead of S-O-U-L? Ok, well now you see why I am only the Emcee. Now we have a special treat, all the way from Dubai!! It’s Jumpin’ Jack Gash!! Give it up!


Jumpin’ Jack Gash: (walks out, dressed in all black, beer in one hand, piece of paper in the other. Puts down beer to adjust the mike) Hey guys, I have a lot of time on my hands, living in Dubai and I am experimenting with stream of consciousness prose. Here is a bit I did, about the collective thoughts of the Hash men during the downdowns…Hope you like it.

…Circle up folks, Circle up! (circle already? Shite, I need to get another beer).

…Hymn to the hares, Wet Willy and Jon the Taller (who is that tall guy? I’ve never seen him around. Oh, he has a wedding ring. Excellent, no cockblocks…wait is he taking his ring off…I hope the girls saw that).

…Virgins come up! (oh yeah. Four nice perky college girls…oh! From the mid-west. Corn-fed! They are legal, right? Yes, if you are in college you are over 18. It’s 18, right? Yes, 18. I am sure. Excellent. College girls like to experiment…).

..and Colgate dropped her headgear in the toilet (yeah baby, dropping…head…it’s going to be a good night).…Visitors Puppy Love Machine, Jumpin’ Jack Gash and Red Dick Blue Balls (do I need another beer? Maybe I will go to that movie tomorrow, the one with a topless Penelope Cruz).…kilt on Puppy Love Machine (but right, Selma Hayek does have much bigger breasts. I should see who has a better ass. Gosh, I can’t remember!). …Junky Monkey for chasing down the hare’s cab (did I check in at 4square? Shoot, I bet someone already checked in).

FAD and Joe Penn for new tights (oh thank god!).

Pamela named “Kiss My Tits” (that’s a great name. and Yes, if you insist!).…Announcements (oh, time for more beer. Where did those college girls go? Ah…a topless Penelope Cruz. Maybe I’ll go to a matinee). Thanks folks!! (crowd love it!! Men get up to get more beer) 

MM: Great! Great! Jumpin’ JG, very interesting! Now we have Mean Jean the Down Down Machine! Give it up, yo!


Mean Jean:  (walks out no stage, takes the mike out of the stem…) Hi folks! Great to be here. How did he know about Allison and I? That FAD! And now I am a little scared of the Hash men…maybe too much information…So, a bunch of hashers walk into a bar…oh, stop me if you have heard this one (from the audience, in unison, “stop!”). What happens when Jon the Taller and Wet Willy set a hash? The Jon and Willy get taller and wetter! Yeah baby! So I noticed that the presents in the present exchange, Tit Totaller got a Pop Top Pecker. Pecker is a funny word, like cockles. Where did it come from? I know bushel and a peck…hmm, that is not very kosher either…and I think I have eaten cockles…wait, the jokes are supposed to be on you…ok, so FAD was looking for Fireman Tim with a pair of wind blocking underwear in his hands…is that like Diogenes? You know, looking for an honest man? Speaking of honest men, Trips&Balls was telling me her Christmas fitness theory, the more you gain the better you will feel when you lose it. But if you don’t yule be sorry! Get it, Y-U-L-E! ok, Mickey gave me that one, sorry! Oh no, that’s all the time I have, thanks!! (the audience goes wild!)


MM: Thanks Mean Jean! You had some good ones in there! Now, I know it’s late, I hope you all have enjoyed the show. I will close with a post hash haiku from Mac, the best cat around.


Comes home late. no scritch!

Straight to sleep under covers

Where is my food, bitch!