NYCH3 #1118

 

NYCH3 #1118

Date: Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Start: 59^th Street Bridge

Hares: Mystery Hare Offensive Discharge

On-in: Plug Uglies

Scribe: Cockstar

 

“A$$ . . . . whoooooooooole!”

– From the kid in Meet the Fockers

 

After listing this r*n as hared by the “Mystery Hare,” Mean Jean the “Blabbermouth” Machine managed to spill the beans to just about every veteran hasher that Offensive Discharge was in town from Denver for Scooter’s wedding and was said hare. “But, mum’s the official word!” For those of you who aren’t familiar with Offensive Discharge (hereinafter referred to as O.D.), he is the dubious honoree of the A$$hole Of The Millennium as well as Worst Trail Of The Millennium awards. Here’s why:

 

He coveted the AOTY awards for several hashes (NYCH3, Brooklyn, NASS and the GGFM), when all of them used to dole out this honor for normal a$$hole-like behavior like racing on trail, not setting pack marks, pretending he was indispensable at work – exhibited by his beeper beeping incessantly (NOTE: he was SO important that the company refused to get him a cell phone) – earning his hash name for multiple disruptions of the Circle and skewering the JMs in his write-ups. Ergo: AOTM.

 

Worst Trail of the Millennium was awarded for setting a trail with Cree (worthy of WTOTM alone); setting it in 2 parts (it started at Bowling Green and ended up at the Carriage House — the pre-lube for this r*n . . . . . hmmmmmm . . . foreshadowing ); including a subway ride from Cortland Street station to 50^th street; using hash cash for subway tokens; abandoning the subway station before all of the hashers actually arrived at the Cortland station; not putting the on-in location at the start; having a beer check with malt liquor, which no one would drink – mind you it was 95 or 102 degrees depending on whose version of the story you choose to follow – and having to give all of it to a bum; instructing the pack it was 3 and you’re on, when that was clearly false; telling the pack at 50^th street that trail continued west on 50^th street – when is was west on 49^th street; failing to timely set the hotline and, when finally set, saying the Carriage House (the on-in) was on 58^th btwn 1^st and 2^nd Ave. when it was actually on 59^th btwn 2^nd and 3^rd . . . to mention but a few reasons.

 

So then, why were we surprised that this trail sucked? Hey! Wasn’t he banned from setting trail at one point? Who lifted the moratorium? And, given the BIG secret, who were the a$$holes dumb enough to show up on 2^nd Avenue and 59^th street after Mean Jean spilled the beans? To name a bunch of ‘em: Mike B, Jumpin’ Jack Gash, kyle fitzKerry, Alice, Erika, Karen Z., Karen (now blonde Sigourney Weaver look alike), Heather Got Wood(?), Dr. Steve, Crazy Bob, Ed Lunch, Fireman Bob, Jesse, Sarah Down Under, Manslave, Gary, Devo, Chad, Pussy Repellant, Joe, Sketchy Dave, HUA, Hilary, Nail Driver, Pamela, Lisa, StEwa, Booty Call, Stacia, DBB, Fast Am. Dave #6, Alexandra, Crofty, Wet Connection, and John Burke. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

 

As is the norm for a summer Wednesday hash, there were a ton of virgins. Still thinking she was “keeping a secret”, MJ started what is sure to be the longest and worst chalk talk in hash history. It lasted about ten minutes and was still insufficient to clarify the look of total befuddlement on the virgins’ faces so that visitor Tijuana Donkey F**k had to step in and explain. By the time the two of them were done, the entire sidewalk was filled with hieroglyphics.

 

Still playing along with the “subterfuge” O.D. ran with the pack. However, I was told, he ended up blabbing the whole length of the trail that he was the Mystery Hare. Cat’s out of the bag dude!

 

As for the crap trail: there was a chicken eagle split very early on in the trail – I believe somewhere on 1^st Ave about 2 blocks south of the start. Jesse and I opted for the chicken and I think the virgins never got the explanation of the difference between the letters “C” and “E” on trail during the chalk talk – so they all headed north on the eagle. My understanding is that the eagle was about as boring and annoying as the chicken was – just a mile and a half longer.

 

I’m not going to go into the logistics of this bad boy – and by this I mean the trail, not O.D. Suffice it to say that the trail was a series of zig-zags, where the false was half a block away from where true trail continued. Highly annoying and extremely boring. Almost as bad as Sketchy Dave’s West Village cluster-f*ck/straight-line-cause-turns-cost-extra trail earlier this summer, but not quite.

 

The beer check and the on-in, however, proved to be OK. Tom, our favorite bartender saved the day by keeping the pints flowing until well into the night. The pizza lasted too. Even so –

 

WHAT HASHES IN DENVER – STAYS IN DENVER! Don’t cum back! Ya’ hear???????????

 

Post Script:

 

First Down-Down : The Hares (O.D. Mean Jean)

 

Second Down-Down: Virgins. Too many to name on a summer Wednesday r*n.

 

Third Down-Down: Visitors. Roadshow Bitch, Tijuana Donkey F*ck and O.D.

 

Fourth Down-Down: Tijuana D.F. for usurping Mean Jean’s heinously long chalk talk.

 

Fifth Down-Down: Virgins Stanley and Kevin. Stanley answered his cell on trail and was heard responding — to what we assume was the question “what’s up?” – “just r*nning.” Kevin stopped at an ATM on trail.

 

Sixth Down-Down: Fashion Offensinistas Ewa, Alice and Sarah Down-Under. Ewa, well . . . errr because she’s Ewa. Alice . . . hmmmmmm . . . not quite sure why and Sarah for leaving a teenie tiny little strappy top at Fireman Bob’s NASS, which clearly could not fit even one of the jugs in it.

 

Seventh Down-Down: Shoeless Erika and Karen Z. Erika for puking after the NASS and Karen for emailing a bunch of hashers to ask if anyone had a pair of sneakers she could borrow because she forgot her shoes at home.

 

Eighth Down-Down: AOTW. Must we be redundant? O.D.

 

On out.