Date: Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
Start: 96th &
Hares: Chad & Devo
On-in: Blue Ox bar, 139th St
Scribe: Flaccido Domingo
Mommy, why are those people standing over there?
Well dear, those are hashers. They’re waiting for the start of their trail
Mommy, what are hashuhs?
Hashers are silly people who don’t miss a chance to go out and r*n and drink and make fools of themselves.
But mommy, you said its too hot to play outside today.
Yes I did. Like I said, they are silly people.
Mommy, why do they look so funny?
Be polite dear.
Oooohhh look, mommy, there they go!
Bless their hearts.
Mommy, why are they r*nning through those project places that you won’t let me go to?
Now now, its ok. It’s the nicest place they’ll see on today’s trail.
Mommy, what’s a trail?
A trail is sort of like the yellow brick road. But imagine it much much longer. And imagine they only had a handful of yellow bricks. And no happy little people singing along the way.
Mommy, why would the yellow brick road go to wandall’s island?
That, my sweet little angel, is a very good question. When did you get so smart?
Mommy, why is that hashuh coming back from wandall’s island?
That is Jody. She just did something us adults call “freaking out”. She must be a new hasher and still have some brain cells left. I’m sure she’ll figure out a way to finish the trail. Maybe she’ll take the subway. Don’t you worry.
Mommy, why do the hashuhs all look so unhappy? Did somebody do something mean to them?
Yes dear, somebody did. Its called the trail. And shiggy. And fences. And checks. And what you call “wandall’s island”.
Mommy, who are the mean people?
They are called hares, dear.
Mommy, why are the hairs so mean?
Well, in this case its because the hares are accomplished r*nners who think trails should look more like cross country meets than hash trails.
Mommy, why do the hashuhs let the hairs be so mean to them?
That’s a good question. When we see the hareraiser we will ask her.
Mommy, a hairrazor? That’s funny mommy! What’s a hairrazor?
It’s a hasher who is very organized and type-A, who is always on top of things and is very detail oriented and always on schedule.
Well, not always dear.
Oooh, mommy, there go the hashuhs again! They still look so unhappy. That makes me sad. Why are they still unhappy?
Well, you see the hares just did something very mean. They took the pack past a bar where they thought they would get beer. But it was just a head-fake. They have to keep r*nning.
Mommy, I think I just heard a hashuh say a bad word about the hairs? Mommy, what’s a f*&kstick?
Forget you ever heard that word dear.
Ooooh, mommy, they stopped r*nning. They look happy now. Why are they happy now?
Well dear, its not because the bar has no air conditioning. I’m guessing its because now they get to drink adult drinks.
Can we go in and play too mommy?
No dear, but we can watch from the window if you like.
Mommy, why can’t we go in and play?
Because I don’t want you growing up to be like them. Its not proper. People will talk about you, and you don’t want that do you?
Mommy, why are those people yelling like that?
They’re calling everybody to the circle dear.
Mommy why is nobody paying attention?
All you can drink ‘til 11 dear.
What’s a thurkel mommy?
A circle is where the JM’s reward trail offenses with adult drinks and the hashers sing them songs.
So if you do something silly or stupid you get songs sung to you?
Mommy, does Booty Call have his own special song yet?
No dear, but it may happen soon.
Mommy, why are those two people having songs song to them?
Well, those are the hares I told you about. They set the trail. They even set a second chicken/eagle split that nobody ever found.
Mommy, what about them?
Those are the virgins and visitors dear. Glen and somebody whose name I couldn’t quite make out.
Mommy, who are those people who aren’t wearing any clothes.
Oh dear, don’t be silly. That’s Steve and Eva. They’re just wearing very little clothing. Steve gets to drink because he was covered with mud when he arrived tonight. They think maybe he and Eva had some fun in a mud puddle on trail.
Mommy, why is that girl drinking out of her shoe?
Because dear, Alexandra didn’t quite believe the pack when they told her about wearing new shoes.
Mommy, what’s that!?!?
Oh, that’s just F*&k Me I’m Gay.
No mommy, on the sides of his head. What’s that!?!?!
Well dear, that’s why he’s drinking.
Mommy, what about those two girls?
That’s Alice and Eva. Alice managed to get a ride from Randall’s Island from a stranger, and Eva didn’t finish trail until 9 pm.
Mommy, when will the thurkel end? That pizza smells good.
Yes, you are quite right dear. This circle has gone on longer than a typical Devo trail. Perhaps the JM’s don’t get much attention during the day. Its certainly getting late.
Mommy, what about that guy?
Oh, that’s Erik. He’s getting a down-down for singing along to a Journey song.
Mommy, that’s a pretty lame reason for a dow-dow isn’t it?
Yes indeed. The JM’s are trying my patience at this point.
Mommy, why are those girls up there?
They’re having a hash fashion show. Kindergarten Kim, Kerry, Erica and Mean Jean are all dressed in civvies, so Kyle is having a fashion contest. Looks like they all have to drink.
Mommy, what’s an A$$hole of the Week?
Usually Booty Call, dear. But this time its Bottom for showing why he got his name while he went over the fence on trail.
Mommy, is the thurkel over?
Mommy, why are they holding that girl upside down over by the kegs?
That’s what I meant when I said they were silly people, dear.
Mommy, are they silly people who drink lots of adult drinks, or are they people who drink lots of adult drinks and get silly?
Its very hard to say dear. Very hard to say. Probably somewhere in between.
Mommy, why would these people do this all the time?
I don’t know dear. Its well past your bedtime. We’re leaving.
Mommy, will we see daddy when we get home?
Not ‘til he leaves the on-in, dear. Not ‘til he leaves the on-in