NYCH3 # 1045

NYCH3 #1045, April 4, 2004

HARES: Lesley & Mean Jean

Start: St. Andrew’s Bar, W. 44th St

On In: Back Page, Third Ave & 83rd

Guest Scribe: Foreperson Kyle

DA WILLICKEY:

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen of the Grand Jury.  My name is District Attorney Willlickey.  Today I will present the case of the people against the “committee” of the Hash House Harriers.  As you can see from the indictment slip, the DA is seeking the following charges:  disorderly conduct in the second degree, public drunkenness in the first degree, terrorizing the general public in the second degree, defacing public property in the second degree and endangering the welfare of a child in the first degree. 

 

We will present testimony from two civilians and one police officer.   If the Grand Jury has no questions, I will call my first witness, Ms. Anne O’Hara.

 

GRAND JURY FOREPERSON:

Please stand and raise your right hand.  Do you solemnly swear that the testimony that you shall give to the Grand Jury upon this complaint against the “Committee” shall be the  truth, the  whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

 

ANNE O’HARA:

I do.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

For the Grand Jury, please state your name and tell us where you were and what you remember about the afternoon of Sunday, April 4, 2004 approximately at 2:45 pm.

 

ANNE O’HARA:

Oh, I am so nervous.  Well, I was sitting in St. Andrews, a Scottish pub on 44th street between 6th Avenue and Broadway.  I was with my friend Laura.  We came in for a spot of ale and to warm up.  All of a sudden, the bar started to fill up with strange people in running clothing and they started ordering beer.  Two of the rather fine looking ladies were wearing odd hats with red hair, I think they were making fun of Scottish folk.  They appeared to be the organizers. 

 

The one with the Scottish accent really looked like she meant business.  I would not want to confront her with a pint of ale!  One really cute guy had a camera and was taking pictures.  He told us that this was a running club and they were about to start running from this location to another bar.  It sounded like fun.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury – the last statement shall be considered hearsay and shall be disregarded.  Ms O’Hara, thank you and you may be dismissed.  The People now call Mr. Sean Kelly.

 

FOREPERSON:

Please stand and raise your right hand.  Do you solemnly swear… yada…yada…yada, so help you God?

 

SEAN KELLY:

I do.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

Please state your name, profession and what you remember about the afternoon of Sunday, April 4th.

 

SEAN KELLY:

My name is Sean Kelly and I am a bartender at St. Andrews on 44th Street.  About 2:45, these people came in.  They ordered beer and told me that they were part of a running club.  The crowd grew to about 15 or 20 people by 3:00 or so.  I remember some of the names they mentioned were Mean Jean, Legs Leslie, Jason, Fast American Dave, Sue or Jan?, Kyle – the odd one with the camera, Marit, Christine and Tom.  I couldn’t remember all of their names.  Even though they disturbed the rest of the patrons, they were a fun group.  By 3:15, they all gathered outside of the bar.  Lousy tippers – typical Scotts.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

Thank you and you are dismissed.  I will now call an undercover police office that has been embedded in the Hash House Harriers for over a year.  We shall only refer to him by his shield number 2345.

 

FOREPERSON:

Please stand and raise your right hand.  Do you solemnly swear… yada…yada…yada, so help you God?

 

UNDERCOVER OFFICER:

I do.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

Please state your shield number and assignment for the Grand Jury and tell us about your recent investigation of what is commonly referred to as the Hash House Harriers.

 

UNDERCOVER OFFICER:

I am an undercover officer assigned to the Manhattan Gang Squad, shield number 2345.  I have been embedded in the NYCH3 for over a year investigating gang related activity.  On Sunday, April 4th, I showed up at 120 W 44th Street in the Boro of Manhattan in New York County to join the prelube of a run being set by Leslie, aka Legs, and Jean, aka Mean Jean.  It was a spring-like day with a little sun, so the turn out was rather good.  The prelube was well attended.  Jean and Leslie, the bonnie lasses, donned bizarre looking red hair and plaid caps, not uncommon behavior exhibited by the gangs of New York.  Jean educated the virgins.  The before starting the crowd, she head butted Kyle.  Jean pointed west on 44th Street and the crowd took off.  Running west, turning north through a local garage and then west to 9th Avenue.  North on 9th, through World Wide Plaza, up 8th Avenue to Central Park.  We stopped at a check at the statue of Robert Burns, some guy who used to write stuff. 

 

Then off through the Park once again to the east side and exiting at 72nd Street.  Across 72nd and weaving our way north and east, we arrived at the Back Page, a not so Scottish establishment.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

Can you tell the Jury where the Back Page is located and describe what occurred there within?

 

 

UNDERCOVER OFFICER:

Referring to my notes, I have refreshed my memory – The Back Page is located at 1472 Third Avenue located in an area commonly referred to as the upper east side on the island of Manhattan in New York County.  This is a location that is commonly referred to as the “On-In”.

The FRB’s showed up early, followed by others.  We gathered in the downstairs room – not a bad location once you get past the smell.  Beer was being served by the pitcher.  Before long, Ewa dropped a pitcher on the floor, thinking that her arm was long enough to reach the bar. 

 

Then we proceeded to “down-downs”.  Cups of beer were handed to unsuspecting people for what was considered improper behavior or for being new or visiting this organization.  Specifically, down-downs were handed out to visitors and virgins – Sarah (another with red hair), Andrea, Ava (not Awa), Kim and Slow-to-blow’s brother-in-law Mitchell (fast-to-blow?).  Sarah was given another for falling on trail – please try to keep the rubber side down – flesh side up!  Bottom and Slow-to-blow were given down-downs for forgetting daylight savings time.  Bottom actually DID the down-down.  HUA reminded

Bottom that he was given immunity from down-downs.  Bottom was called back for forgetting to assign his down-down to Ewa.  Bottom almost forgot once again, but properly assigned this one.  Magoo and Hardy were assigned down-downs for showing up wearing race shirts – race shirts for races run that day!  Slow-to-blow was chastised for being wife-whipped, Ewa for dropping a pitcher on the floor.  Diane was given the AOW for forgetting she was holding a beer when she checked her watch.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

So officer, is it true that these people were forced to drink against their will?

 

UNDERCOVER OFFICER:

Yes, these people were forced to drink these beers as fast as possible while the others sang songs, some of which were quite obscene. 

 

DA WILLICKEY:

Officer, please tell us about the rest of the activities.

 

UNDERCOVER OFFICER:

Well, after down-downs, the smell of burning meat pies filled the bar.  The crowd broke into a chorus of the Monks of St. Bernards.  Scottish meat pies were served to the masses.  Then additional courses of wings and pasta were served.  Mean Jean, the co-hare, left Leslie in charge and went home to the Scottish relatives.  Lisa started to perform bar tricks, holding a cocktail straw on the back of her index and pinky fingers and rotating her middle and ring fingers from below to on top of the straw.  Her finger dexterity was noted!  This lead Magoo to start testing who could lift a chair while standing bent at the waist with their head leaning against the wall.  About this time, it was getting pretty close to Soprano time, so I had to leave.

 

DA WILLICKEY:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, now that you have heard from the witnesses, and I have charged you with the law, I will enter this “Write-up” which was handed out during the On-In from the run just described to you as Grand Jury Article number 1.  At this time, seeing no questions from the Jurors, I will leave you to deliberate.

 

(DA AND STENOGROPHER LEAVE THE ROOM)

 

FOREPERSON:

Are we ready to vote?

 

RANDOM JUROR:

Can we examine the “write-up”.  This looks like fun.  And look, they are running again next Sunday on Easter.  This is cool.  Hey – anyone want to join them…

 

On out.