HARES: Wet Connection & Cousin Paul
Start: 72nd & Broadway
On In: Jakes’ Dilemma, 81st &
Guest Scribe: Dave Too Long
It’s not every day of the week that you emerge from 72nd St. station and are greeted by a six-foot-two rabbit (sorry, bunny) holding a genetically modified carrot, but that was the story at this Easter Sunday’s hash. We were not hallucinating however; the bunny in question was none other than Wet Connection, our hare for the day. She had decided to concentrate on the true meaning of Easter – bunny rabbits hopping around, eating stuff you would never touch the rest of the year (painted hard boiled eggs?), and of course getting assholed at the hash.
The traditionally sparse Easter pack had assembled by the start mark, all except for Doughboy, who for some reason refused to recognise the “official” start and had made his own one across the street. There were a couple of visitors, and someone else I didn’t recognise dressed in a fairly fetching Easter costume which looked like it had taken way too much time to put together just to wear to a hash. Jennifer was the other “bunny” in the group, very proud of her new flashing ears even if only one of them flashed (tip: don’t buy the dollar batteries on the subway). Almost as hard to spot as the Easter Bunny, Cousin Paul was in town and was making his debut as a co-hare. That’s John Burke’s cousin, in case you’re wondering.
WC explained that there would be several “bunny checks”, at which we were supposed to find more of the genetically modified carrots, and that the person arriving at the on-in with the most carrots would win a special prize. Now if that seems to have stacked the odds in favor of the FRBs, well…you’re dead right! Anyway, the carrot hunt started west toward Riverside Park, with a check leading to the promenade and trail heading north through the park up to Grant’s Tomb and another check taking it back east. Bunny checks came and went, with not a glimpse of a carrot. The reason why became clear when first Jonathan and then Peter were spotted carrying a fistful of them. We almost lost visitor Gum My Balls when he stopped for a ciggie and somehow lost trail (obscured by smoke?) but he was rescued by tail-end regular Babboon Ass, looking even more Babboon-Assish than usual in her purple hot pants (c’mon ladies, admit you secretly want a pair). The rest of the trail was a very pleasant meander through Central Park before heading back west past the Natural History Museum and on-in to Jake’s
Ah, Jake’s, our old friend. Speaking of carrots, it’s always a good idea to eat a few before coming here, as they might help you to find your way around in the dim light. WC and Cousin Paul doled out the specially-prepared-that-morning hard boiled eggs in various colors. The on-in was all of five minutes old when Nice Easter Outfit Woman made a bolt for the exit, never to be seen again, and never to receive her prize for Best Easter Costume. It was ten minutes old when the whole room smelt of hard boiled eggs. All I can say is there must have been some fairly embarassing subway rides home that night.
The on-in being an almost committee-free zone, it was left to former JM Peter to dole out the down-downs. The hares, fittingly both in rabbit ears. Visitors Gum My Balls from Daytona, and Pussy Repellent who in fact is a recent transplant from Chicago and will no doubt be repelling pussies here all summer (Brits: remind you of “Are You Being Served?” or what?!). Next up were the carrot hunt awards. Firstly, in the “Nice Try But Lame” category were British Andrew #2 and Too Long, with a measly one apiece. “Close But No Carrot” went to Jonathan with three, but the winner and “King Carrot” with four was Peter. Since there were supposedly eleven carrots, we can only assume that the squirrels or the park rangers got the rest. The special prize was so special I can’t remember what the hell it was now. Fashion Crime chugs went to Jennifer for her malfunctioning ears (which she struggled to get back after loaning them to Cousin Paul), and Ewa for the aforementioned hot pants. Mixed Up Kid down-down went to Sujan for his rather bizarre explanation to someone of how to spell his name: “It’s like Susan with a J”. O.K. then – so that’s J-U-S-A-N. Got it? Hard Man, Mean Jean and Pearl Necklace were this week’s token civilians, MJ earning herself another one (known as a “Bahamonde”) for heckling in the circle. AOTW went to Doughboy for his show of petulance at the start.
And that was that. Another Easter Sunday, another never ending hash cash at Jake’s, another crowd of drunken, flatulent hashers, and the sweet smell of boiled eggs. Does it get any better?