The 2nd Annual Catholic School Girls Hash
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Start/On-In: John Street Bar & Grill
Harriettes: Salt Lick and Doggy Style
In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit I headed to the John Street Bar & Grill, pig-tailed and slutted up to find no other Catholic school girls present. Granted I was early by hashing standards (6:50pm) so I debated a beer and continued searching the crowd for a fellow sinner. Lo and behold, a glimpse of plaid swished by, and I saw it, and it was good. The congregation gained in strength and number, the skirts growing shorter by the minute, until finally we were called to begin our pilgrimage by the lovely hares.
After an amusing chalk talk we set off through the Financial District, down to the sea port, passed all the bars on Stone Street (much to the crowd’s amusement), through Battery Park and then back up, past the World Trade Center site to our Holy Communion Check of saltines and "wine" that tasted suspiciously of Hawaiian Punch. Both were administered by Father Crazy Bob in comically large Elvis sunglasses. I don’t remember the wine at mass tasting of fruit punch, but perhaps my memory is a bit foggy from all the incense.
Back to the On-In where copious amounts of beer were imbibed. Then, the worshippers were called to the circle and down-downs were presented. First the hares, Salt Lick & Doggy Style, then the virgins, April, Jennifer, and two gentlemen who seemed a bit "touched by the holy spirit". We had a couple visitors, Richard from Westchester and from Royal South H3 in Hong Kong we were joined by Short Bones and Wet Nurse, who called out the New York Hashers for our rudeness by not engaging them in post-run chat. They were not left to themselves for the rest of the evening. Dan got one for being the only male in a skirt, or was that for wearing the shortest skirt? Joe Pennsylvania was given the Perv Award for making Hot Rod spend her birthday at the hash and Hot Rod, of course, got her birthday down-down. Jeremy was called out for being spotted by a coworker on trail and is now, no doubt, unemployed at this point. If anyone knows of any openings in whatever field he happens to be in please let him know. Sketchy Dave won Asshole of the Week for spilling Lauren’s beer while forcing her to sit on his lap and drank from the overflowing plunger while once again making Lauren sit on his lap. Alice was also given a birthday down-down and ushered in the Harriettes’ awards.
Allie was given a sippy cup down-down for being the hasher most likely to be confused with an actual Catholic school girl due to her height. All the priests were called up and Splat received a medal for running in actual robes (apparently a civilian on trail was offended by this and actually told him so). Virgin April received another down-down and had her cherry popped by receiving a cherry thong. A number of school girls were called up for "Best Catholic School Girl", but Dan stole the show and won a pink bra that he proudly put on after a much-appreciated strip tease. If they had more of those at mass I might actually go.
The flock dispersed to inhale mac n’ cheese and salad. Many beers were had, much laughter filled the Cathedral of John Street Bar & Grill, and many prayers were muttered (a few near the porcelain god, I’m sure). We stumbled out, drunk and happy. The hash has ended, let us go in peace.
Thanks be to beer, amen.