NYCH3 #1059, July 7, 2004
HARE: Jonh & Magoo
Start: 34th & Ninth Ave
On In: Sweet Vicious (?), Spring St
Guest Scribe: Dave Too Long
Monday night in Queens. Sitting here with my laptop, listening to the rain teeming down outside and desparately trying to remember anything at all about last Wednesday’s hash other than that girl with the thong showing; the sole consolation being the thought that on another Monday, I may actually have been trudging around Long Island City with waterlogged feet and three or four other misguided souls at one of those “other” hashes (with apologies to the long suffering Body, hare of said washout). The medication is really working well so far though, and the doctor says if I keep taking it a full recovery might be possible.
So much for borough loyalty. Anyway, rewind to last Wednesday, the supposed topic of this drivel. The start location of 34th & 9th gave everyone a last chance to enjoy the relative serenity of 34th St. before the coming riots and carnage of the next Liberty home game, followed closely by Dubya’s Republican love-in. A quick scan of those present revealed the usual cast of characters, most of whom wouldn’t look out of place in the bar at Mos Eisley spaceport (the ultimate on-in). Actually some of them probably had pre-lubed in some other dodgy bar in the locale, although our glorious leader Head Up Ass seemed strangely coherent, maybe marriage really has mellowed him. Hare Jonh smirked a very self-satisfied “you are screwed” smirk. Co-hare Magoo (is he turning professional at this?) denied all responsibility, four hashes too late. Jonh’s pre-trail spiel went as follows: “The trail is marked in chalk and flour and is about five miles long”. Translation: “I managed to set the trail in flour and not get arrested. You on the other hand may not be as lucky. The trail is about five miles long if you follow it exactly and do not deviate at any point, for instance to solve the checks, follow Tripod, or find other novel ways to mess up on trail. Here’s some chalk – so long, suckers!”. With that he disappeared in a puff of smoke with evil laughter filling the air.
Surprisingly, the trail did not go through MSG or Penn Station as expected, probably not a bad idea as they are already crawling with cops and soldiers, any hasher making it through there unchallenged would no doubt be posted to Afghanistan to find Bin Laden undercover. In fact we went all the way over to the river before the trail ducked back south and back to 11th and down to the Javits. The FRBs blew straight through a check in the middle of a sort of Roman looking piece of urban ugliness, followed closely by the too-trusting pack. True trail was found heading south and into Chelsea where it headed east again through the Chelsea Houses. It was here that Rik Bon Jovi engaged himself in a very pleasant conversation about gardening with one of the residents, which almost ended with someone getting a rake up their ass, by all accounts. Full Contact Gardening anyone? Hey it’s not as dumb as Extreme Ironing, a sport which I’m proud to say my home country is a world leader in.
I have to say that at this point, the trail was proving very well marked if totally devoid of greenery. Continuing south, we ran down 7th and across Greenwich Ave. to the west village, with the obligatory Washington Square Park check. The pack was tiring now and thoughts started to turn towards the beer…or any source of hydration for that matter. Jonh had other ideas though, prolonging the agony with a last mile through Soho to the on-in. All in all however, not a bad trail, if a little long – so maybe Magoo really didn’t have anything to do with it.
Sweet Vicious? Sweet And Vicious? Sid Vicious? Whatever, we were just glad to be somewhere with cold water and no checks. This place seemed way too trendy for an on-in, what with all these Soho and Nolita types getting underfoot, looking down their noses at us. Jonh and Magoo were there though, so this must be the right place. There was the usual scrum at the bar waiting for the one (always only one!) harassed barmaid to serve us. As Jonh explained later though, we were fortunate to have even that, as they had pulled the dreaded “bait and switch” trick on him by claiming the guy who originally struck the deal had mysteriously “left”. Riiiiight. Still, all worked out for the best in the end, everyone (I think) got their share of beer and Rik didn’t have to smack the barmaid upside the head too much.
Down-downs? Well there were some newbies and visitors whose names I forget, so we’ll call them Harpo, Groucho, Chico, Blossom, Buttercup and Bubbles. Oh wait…one of them was Andrew (American, #2). Then there was Patrick’s cute blonde friend and fellow Bahamian…ah, it’s coming back now, my brain is not completely dead. AOTW was Rich…or was it Rik? It looked like a split decision. Yello Smello and Cockstar drank for just being Jonh and Sideshow Bob’s “significant others”. Hey, it can’t be easy. Has SB been seen at a hash since the Roosevelt Island debacle? Has he been allowed back into Manhattan even? Stinky Pinky Baboon Ass got one for apparently being the latest HOPS member (that’s unemployed for the uninitiated) after the Japan Society realized she hadn’t actually been speaking Japanese but Ewa-ese to them all these years. Rumour has it there may have been others, but from my vantage point at the back I couldn’t see much and could hear even less. But then, not paying attention is what got me thrown out of astronaut school.
Jonh & Magoo – not too shabby, chaps. More sweet than vicious, anyway.