NYCH3 # 1051 – Rich’s Pre Nuptial R*n

NYCH3 #1051, May 12, 2004

HARES: Rich, Rebecca

Start: 96th & Central Park West

On In: Bourbon Street, 79th & Amsterdam

Scribe: Mean Jean

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to run around in circles, follow chalk arrows and little blobs of flour, tour the courtship of Rich and Rebecca, drink Coors Light out of plastic champagne glasses, and sweat out half our body weight then replace it with beer.

 

Or, in layman’s terms, to hash.

 

It was Rich’s last trail as a bachelor and to celebrate, he decided to lay trail three days before his wedding. I think God, never mind Rebecca, must have been mad about this because the skies opened up at lunchtime and pissed rain, thunder and lightning in Biblical proportions for the next four hours. But the big man does have a sense of humor and sure enough, the rain cleared just in time for the hash. When Rich arrived at the start, he was looking a bit worse for the wear with about a half pound of flour on his 1000th R*n hash shirt. Or was he baking the wedding cake?

 

A good size pack was in attendance, the usual suspects augmented by long-vanished hashers, Dara and Stacey as well as Michelle (where the hell have you been?). Speaking of augmentation, Sarah Downunder and her Manslave were there. Cockstar brought her (as we were told) “attractive, young, and single” Physical Therapist, Jen, along. Pearl Necklace was looking her usual incredulous, what-am-I-doing-here self.

 

Do you, Pack, take thee Hare, to set trail and On In, in good weather and foul, for good beer and crap beer, for as long as you both shall hash?

 

Rich pointed us into the park and we were off. We went straight north onto the West Drive and quickly west into some lovely wooded, pathed area. Wet Connection and I were in whine mode and took up back-of-the-pack positions as we lamented our recuperating selves and the lack of air on this steamy, sultry, humid night. Though I hate to give credit to any hare, I’ll make an exception (consider it a wedding gift) to say that Rich had laid a very good and interesting trail through the park, then east and out at Fifth Avenue just north of Engineer’s Gate. The amount of attempted and completed shortcutting was off the charts this trail, leading Wet Willy, Bon Jovi, Wyeth, and Bruce among others to scale down a six foot wall to get out of the park. Trail turned east down 89th Street and I convinced WC and late-arriving HUA and Bottom to wait it out for the pack to re-emerge on Fifth Ave, which they did where we met them a few blocks south. With Rich an Upper Westie, it seemed incredulous that we’d spend much time east. Turned out that Rich was taking the pack past a “First Kiss” check (awwwww! or icccckkk! depending on your POV). Another few blocks south on Fifth and yet another turn east. Pack went for it again. Again I kept my little posse on the straight and narrow down Fifth where yet again we caught the FRBs (this was really beginning to annoy Fast American Dave who was continually having to pass WC and myself). This turn east brought the pack to another courtship-related check: first place they lived together? first place they did it? first place they did it standing up? I dunno but aw! and ick! again.

 

Do you Hare, take thee Pack, to follow trail and to shortcut, in injury and peak condition, when hash cash is plentiful and when it runs out, for as long as you both shall hash?

 

Back into the park around 79th and on our way toward the beer check which was situated on a hill overlooking the bridge where the proposal happened. Aw! Ick! The steam rising off the sweaty backs of the pack must have made this hill seem like a smoldering volcano from afar. (It didn’t smell that great.) It was, though, a great beer check, complete with Coors Light (I was looking for water and Rick Snyder reminded me how close Coors was to water…) in champagne glasses (albeit the plastic ones where the bottom clicks right on! Magic, that!), a ball and chain, and our bride and groom.

 

The fabulously well-marked trail fell apart from there, I’m afraid. There was a check at Bethesda Fountain that basically brought the trail to a standstill and even the likes of Hardy, Fast American Dave and Geoff looked ready to throw in the towel. WC and I excused ourselves from the checking and made our way west assuming the trail would be found somewhere along CPW. Wouldn’t you know the lovely Sarah Downunder slipped by with a casual “79th & Amsterdam” spoken under her breath and On In bound were we!

 

Place the mug in her hand and repeat after me: With this mug, I thee drink.

 

At the On In, lacy garters were distributed to the ladies and the boyz got sticky-backed bow ties to bring home the wedding theme. WC wore hers high on her fab, long, toned legs. Cockstar felt the garter didn’t show off her leg brace well so chose an arm-band look. Michelle went for the Elizabeth I look and wore it round her neck. On the guys, HUA bow tied his forehead while Bahamonde, already in a suit, looked like my college Lit professor.

 

There was so much misbehaving going on that down downs were plentiful. Let’s go to the videotape.

 

  • Hares, Rich, Rebecca and bag hag Cockstar
  • Rich stayed for trying to get all his hashing in, pre-wedding; he was in Brooklyn on Monday, too. (Will a honeymoon hash be allowed?)
  • Rich again for corny groom-to-be checks
  • V & Vs: Jen, Eric, Shimu/Family Planning
  • Patrick, Ookie Cookie and Jen for shamelessly shortcutting and arriving so early they were too embarrassed to go straight to the on in and instead went to another bar; perfectly acceptable hash behavior but they got down downs anyway for paying $18 for a pitcher!
  • Ookie stayed up there for sitting on Wyeth’s lap (Bottom’s impressionable young brother) whom HUA claimed was underage!
  • WC for relentlessly counting on Monday’s Brooklyn 300th, then lording around that the number of people who attended the BH3 300th  surpassed the number who attended the NYC AGM; (she was only off by about 30 people!)
  • Birthdays for Peter, Julie, I mean Lesley, Dave Too Long, and Sarah Downunder
  • Dave stayed up for a sad bastard down down for staying home alone on his birthday
  • The runners-up for AOTW
    • Mastercard for arriving late to start (shocking!) and then elaborately changing from her work clothes into her running clothes on the street through a series of over- and under-garmented maneuvers only to discover that she had forgotten her sneakers anyway
    • Sideshow Bob whose ex-girlfriend works for Planters (?) and asked Bob to run a marathon dressed as “Mr Peanut”, apparently he was on the “short” list for this honor (please fill in your own small penis jokes here)
  • But the big AOTW winner for the week was
    • Cockstar who brought her medical professional to the hash and proceeded to spill an entire pint of beer straight into her designer bag soaking all the contents; the plunger wasn’t good enough for her and HUA made her do the down down out of the offended bag

 

By the authority vested in me by the Mis-management, I hereby pronounce you hasher and hash widow. You may feel up the bride.

 

On out.