August 13, 2012
Start: Eastern Parkway
On-Inn: Hank’s Saloon
Hare: Just Chris
Welcome to BH3 Sports Channel, and I’m your host, Steven T. Pull-Chaser for the 630th Brooklyn Olympic Games.
I’m currently in the main venue, Hank’s Saloon, sitting in the cheap seats speaking to some of the visitors who’ve travelled to the Games.
Hi – what’s your name?
[Visitor #1] I’m just Avi, and he’s just Ben.
[S.T. Pull-Chaser] Has he really? Been where? And what’s his name?
[Visitor #2] You dumb ass!
[S.T. Pull-Chaser, turning to another visitor] And you?
[Visitor #3] Stop the flood, plug the dyke!
[S.T. Pull-Chaser] Is that your name, or are those just two of the events in the Heptathlon?
[Visitor #2] You silly arse!
[S.T. Pull-Chaser] Well, I’ve beaten a hasty retreat and I’m down on the track. Standing next to me I have a rookie Olympian, Angelique. Tell me Angelique – how did you qualify for these Olympics? Was there a grueling schedule of qualification rounds.
[Angelique] Well no, I was just looking for a running club … I found this on the Internet and just showed up to see what all the fuss was about.
[S.T. Pull-Chaser] And who made you come?
[Angelique] My coach.
[S.T. Pull-Chaser] That’s fantastic, if somewhat unprofessional. One more question … why do they call you “Angelique”?
[Angelique] You dumb ass!
[S.T. Pull-Chaser] Let’s take a break and look at a result just in …
In the “Down-downs for no obvious reason” shootout there was a close battle between Eager 4 Beaver and Pecker Wrecker. But Mr Beaver attempted such a low-tariff dive (like Hank’s Saloon) that the judges had no choice, and awarded the gold to Pecker Wrecker.
In the verbal dressage the winner was Piece of Slut for a faultless performance in the “Three in a row before you can go” event – whatever that means.
Next came the showdown everyone was waiting for – the DFL.
Usain Bolt was a total failure, shooting right out of the blocks and out of contention. There was a photo finish for the silver / bronze between Gretel, and Project Sustained, but they were some way ahead of the Olympic and World champion – Stop the Flood, Plug the Dyke who celebrated the gold medal.
But wait … there’s been an objection and the judges are conferring. No – she’s been eliminated for jumping out of the visitor’s enclosure and attempting to claim the title. In fact there’s a late arrival coming into the stadium now. Who is it? Could it possibly be …? No – it’s not him, its’ Tub Slut!! He’s rounding the turn now, giving a gesture to the crowd as he crosses the line. Coming back to relaunch his career after several years in the doldrums, you just can’t keep a good man down.
[S.T. Pull-Chaser] Phew … that was exciting, and now for the last word, we hand over to the President of the Commission Jacques Byron-Rogge.
[Byron-Rogge] My Lords, ladies, distinguished guests… it gives me great honour to present the award for “Best Olympian”, which goes to Angelique who was simply looking for a running club and found the Hash.