NYCH3 #1122

NYCH3 #1119

Date: 7TH September 2005

Start: 28th & Park Ave. South

Hares: Michael Bahamonde

On-in: PJ Kelly’s (Fulton bet. Gold & William)

Scribe: Fire-In-The-Piehole

Here’s the timeline of events. All times are EDT unless otherwise specified.


2005-09-05 09:00: Information is posted on the Hash NYC website about an impending trail due to occur in Manhattan on September 7th at approximately 19:00. Location is specified as being 28th & Park Avenue South.


2005-09-07 19:15: As predicted, the trail commences from precisely 28th & Park Avenue South, with “swarthy type” Bahamonde issuing last minute instructions to the Pack before leaving them to their own devices.


2005-09-07 19:30: Pack wreaks havoc throughout the neighbourhood leaving dismayed tourists and residents looking on in bewilderment.


2005-09-07 19:45: Trail ploughs through Madison Square Park, Union Square and Washington Square in rapid succession. The real damage came at the check marks along the way which threw the Pack into utter confusion splitting them up and leaving them scattered throughout lower Manhattan.


2005-09-07 20:15: Trail finally fizzles out at PJ Kelly’s on Fulton (bet. Gold & William) where the pack is forced to take refuge.


2005-09-07 20:30: R*nners at the bar report that the entire Pack has been corralled inside with only two restrooms available and a short supply of water. As the water runs out, they are forced to drink beer instead.


2005-09-07 21:00: There are reports of chaos breaking out as "gang members" start forcing members of the pack, some of whom are allegedly virgins while others are merely tourists, to drink more beer while onlookers do nothing except laugh and sing atrociously.


2005-09-07 21:15: Some members discover food in the bar but that is rapidly devoured by the quickest and strongest members of the Pack while the slower ones are left to go hungry. When the food is consumed, it’s back to the beer.


2005-09-07 23:00: As the situation becomes more chaotic, some members of the Pack decide to risk leaving the On-In.


A full seven days later, Fire-In-The-Piehole starts working on the write-up.


The fact that someone wasn’t there to take notes during the hash has sparked uproar in the press and Fire-In-The-Piehole’s lazy attitude towards doing the write-up has been widely criticised. What follows are some excerpts from recent interviews.


“Fire-In-The-Piehole, whose résumé shows his last job as a director of an emergency management agency, is completely unqualified to be doing write-ups for the hash. If you want hash write-ups, we should have someone who actually knows something about the hash and can actually read and write.”

— New York Times Editorial Page


“So many of the people in the bar, you know, are illiterate drunks anyway, so this – this (he chuckles slightly) is working very well for them. They can focus on getting drunk and don’t need to worry their pretty little heads about reading stuff.”

— Jumping Jack Gash (Committee Member)


Fire-In-The-Piehole: We first learned about the hash today.

Ted Koppel (ABC News): You just found about it today? Don’t you people have the internet? Didn’t you look at the hash website? It’s been on the hash website for two weeks.

FITP: Ted, the Committee only learned factually about the hash today. We’ve been so focused on learning to tie our own shoelaces that we hadn’t realised that there was a hash.

TK: But there’s one every Wednesday.

FITP: Is there? Oh bollocks.

— ABC News


Mean Jean, who returned to town yesterday after a gruelling five week nap at her beach house in Long Island, rolled up her sleeves (the international sign for “I’m gonna get my ass straight back to work and anyway it was a working vacation, ya bitches”) and said, “Fiery, yer doin’ a heckuva job.” When asked why she hadn’t cut her vacation short, she replied, “The hash wasn’t in a vegetative state was it?”


Tim Russert (Meet The Press): You knew there was a hash and you knew it was your team’s responsibility to do a write-up so why wasn’t someone actually sent to the hash to take notes?

Cockstar: Well, Tim, that’s not how it works. This needs to be done at the local level. We can’t just start marching into hashes and doing write-ups. It’s the responsibility of the Hares to request that we do a write-up for them. What would happen if we unilaterally started doing write-ups for the Queens Hash?

TR: We’d give you a Pulitzer because no-one goes to Queens.

C*: Whatever.

TR: But you know there’s a hash every week in Manhattan.

C*: Yes, Tim, and I think you’ve hit on a very important point. For years, people have been questioning the wisdom of having hashes. If we didn’t have the hash then there wouldn’t be any need for the write-up.


Kyra Phillips (CNN): Does Fire-In-The-Piehole still have the confidence of the Committee to deliver future write-ups?

Flaccido Domingo: Well, Keira,…

KP: It’s Kyra…

FD: Yeah that’s what I said. Anyway, *Kyra*, I’m not going to engage in the blame game and start finger pointing.

KP: But don’t you think the Committee bears some responsibility for this failure?

FD: Well, duh! They don’t call it the Mis-Management for nothing, you know.


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