Hash # 1,033, January 11^th, 2004

Hares:  Birthday Mickey & the Mouthketeers

Start: SW Corner of Union Square

On-In:  Raccoon Lodge, West Broadway & Warren Street

Scribe: Sarah Down Under

“Who’s the hare for the trail

That’s made for you and me?

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-T-H!”

 Wait…what rhymes with “H”?  Screw it, let’s skip a verse:

 

“Mickey Mouth!  Mouthketeers!

Mickey Mouth!  Mouthketeers!

A birthday hash is nigh!

Nigh! Nigh! Nigh!”

 

“Come along and sing a song

And join the hashing crèche!

M-I-C-K-E-Y  M-O-U-T-H!” [ Phew.  Creativity’s a bitch.]

 

Yes, it was Mickey Mouth’s 33^rd year to heaven.  In empirical terms, her 32^nd birthday, to the day, and she’d elected to hare a trail, by golly!  Along the way, she’d gathered a group of acolytes, either by sheer force of her devilishly pretty face and/or direct threats to their vulnerable bits:  Mean Jean, Young Bill and Offensive Discharge were her designated “Mouthketeers.”  The stage was set for a jolly lot of fun!

 

15:00 hours:  A small group of hashers assembled, shivering on set.  Bottom was fluffing two nubile female virgins who appeared oblivious to the cold.  Ciderman was also coaching them.

 

15:10 hours:  The Guest Appearances for this episode were prolific this day.  A Lad from Australia (complete with his own happy ensemble) and yet more nubile female virgins filled the showbill.  Peter, Legs, Got Wood, Sucks After Dark, Marghretta “Queen of All She Surveys” (complete with swanky protective fleece headgear) and Devo provided the strong “Old-School” backing that every good hash production requires as its foundation.  Meanwhile, Brooklyn Barbara kindly lent the scribe her hashing props in the form of mittens, as stunt coordinators Dave Longfellow and Young Bill covertly convened in the background.

 

15:15 hours:  Mean Jean arrived with Mickey’s cake and chirruped: “All good hashers will get to eat/ But naughty ones, their bottoms I’ll beat!”  Head up Ass and Jesse giggled coyly.

 

15:16 hours – SHOWTIME!  Mickey Mouth ascended the 3 by 2” steps to the top of the subway podium and kicked off the “Fun, Undoubtedly Crazy, Kid-friendly Diversion”  (AKA “FUCKD”) hash (in keeping with the Disney Mission Statement).  We could choose the Riddle Trail, full of Blue Clues and Seuss fun, or the lengthier, traditional “Grimm’s Fairy Tales” approach in white chalk – longer, with a reliable teary ending.  However, the trails allegedly overlapped, and could be randomly interchanged.  Whatever happened to Disney Family Values?  CHOICES?  What was this, a Disney Nasty?  The pack recoiled in confusion, recalling the horror that was “Snow White Does Dwarf-Ville”, then chose hastily.  Bottom agreed to escort the Virgins…on an unspecified trail.  Mickey gave us the first clue concerning a Founding Father, George Washington.  Intellectually challenged, every hashketeer missed his statue, 10 feet north of our bags.   All we wanted was a predictable happy ending.  We didn’t want to think.

 

Most of us avoided the Blues Clues and bore west, then down to around the 10^th Street, where the good white signs indicated east.  The pack splintered as Fluffy and Jesse led a Cinderella pack of virgins through a red light to Blue Clue near-ish Fourth Avenue.  There, on the sidewalk, they were quizzed about a bar named after a “Peanuts” character wherein Ewa “Baboon Ass” often conducted on-ins. (Lucy’s Bar) The Goofy Factor kicked in, and the cast and extras headed on, blindly, hoping to find any trail.

 

There was another Blue Clue check in Thomkins Square Park.  Trish Hoffman, re-directed our trail south. down to First & First.  We almost stepped on the clue:  “Look for Hoffman”.  Trish Hoffman was by Downunder’s side.  Downunder stared into her co-hasher’s eyes.  “You’re as clueless as Bambi, aren’t you?” Trish replied, “Not ME, you anime-eyed fool!”

 

The Helpful Hoffman, a Mouthketeer, “Offensive Discharge,” suddenly appeared with a verbal clue to do with a single young woman, played by the actress Amy Irving, finding love downtown. The Lad from Oz and his Ensemble and Downunder were stumped.  Yet again, Trish got it:  “Crossing Delancey!” she yelled. So we did, via Houston.  After that, Downunder and Trish lost interest in the show.  Downunder walked off the set in a snit and called for the on-in.  Sucks after Dark and anyone behind followed.

 

16:10 hours:  Most of the hash cast and crew were busy enjoying the show in the fuggy confines of the set, which consisted of a rather narrow bar and a large backstage area populated by local roadies disgruntled with our presence in their pool tournament.  An over-worked bar manager doled out good beer and cheer, as newbies and regulars alike jostled for rights in the “dressing rooms.” 

 

16:20 hours:  Got Wood, anxious to move on study the Disney Smack-Down Super-Bowl Rehearsal between the “Flubber” Packers and the “Little Mermaid” Eagles, bade the hash sit quietly in a circle for down-downs.

 

The Mouthketeer  “Disney Punishment” Roll-Call included:

 

1. The “Cool Runnings” Award: Big Mickey and the Mouthketeers (although “Offensive Discharge” was AWOL – something about being recently married and Minnie needing her frock freshly ironed): They cheerily chugged for a trail that was inventive and clever, and thereby generally misunderstood by the hash pack-eteers.
2. Mickey Mouth, The Sequel – To her, the “Peter Pan” Award: For her 32^nd birthday and attempting to choose her own down-down beer.
3. For the Visitors, the “X-Men” Award for Outsiders: This went to  “Sweet Cheeks” (from Istanbul by way of the UK) and “Aye-braeh” from Wagga Wagga, ( “Eyebrow” from New South Wales in non-Goofy Speak)
4. The “Babes in Hashland” Award included a Trista, Brooke, Sarah and maybe 2 others.  (Ann Johnson was responsible for inducting at least 2.)  There was also a young blonde Dude and his mate who need to be mentioned, again with apologies for not noting names. 
5. Ann Johnson and her 2 inductees were remanded and given an “Inspector Gadget” Award for their use of odd implements that seemed sweet, but unrelated to the task at hand: curiously small “headbands” the size of strings (á la Olivia Newton-John, “Let’s Get Physical,” circa 1981 video) and identical running shoes with laces matching their “head gear”. Eyebrow was also dragged up again, for the crime of Being Australian and “giving the world Olivia Newton-John”
6. Stephen, AKA “Doner Kebab”:  This man fell, yet again, head-first, on to a seemingly flat, obstacle-free sidewalk.  His attempt at literal self-effacement earned him not only the “Operation Dumbo Drop” trophy, but also the coveted Smashmouth Award.
7. The “Alice in Clueless Land” Honour, went to Ewa, “Baboon Ass”.  Baboon is a “Hashers Choice Award” shoo-in, but this time she outdid herself:  Whilst everyone at the start was applying gear to combat the cold, Baboon Ass chose to apply lipstick.  Her “But the White Rabbit told me toooo!” protests went unheeded.  (Further, she was one of the few who did not solve the first clue pertaining to Lucy’s bar…her favourite on-in.  Off with her head!)
8. “An Extremely Goofy Move-y” described Peter’s Disney-themed f*ck-up:  Peter apparently solved the “Crossing Delancey” clue on First and First, yet insisted Delancey Street was to the east of Houston, and ran perpendicular.  (Only the producers of “Snow Dogs” rivaled Peter’s miscalculation.)
9. Crofty was up next, proud recipient of the “Honey, I Froze My Grey Matter” Trophy:  he was ingeniously indicted by Mean Jean for a crime committed 2 days prior on the Arctic, full-moon flashlight hash – David Croft’s mind must have been so addled with the stress of haring a trail in “Severe Weather Advisory Conditions” and shepherding the bags to the on-in, that he bounded up to the bartender, enthusiastically stuck out his hand and said, “HELLO!  I’m JOE!”
10. The “Hasher’s New Groove” mantle was passed on to Magoo:  he was promoted to Hareline Minister, Fluffer, and Minister of Pubic Relations, for his services to Advancing the Cause of Hashing/Enticing Virgins.
11. AOTW.  The “Bedknobs and Plungers” Award! Yes, this week, it was shared.  Steve “Doner Kebab” and Ewa “Baboon Ass” were asked to step forward.  Got Wood and Head up Ass performed a remarkably graphic (yet entertaining) re-enactment of a hybrid “Herbie Goes Bananas”/ “George of the Jungle” activities  that earned DK and BA their AOTW “Love Bug” award for Public Displays of Affection.  The two offenders were henceforth confined to one entity:  “Stewa” or “Doner Kebaboon Ass”

 

Then came the grub – decent, plentiful pizza.  What can a tired scribe say about a clever trail, good beer, faithful Mouthketeers, and…cake, except:

 

Now’s the time to say goodbye

To all hash company

Through the trails we’ll all mark checks

Though drunk osh of our facshhe

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-T-H

Mickey Mouth, Mickey Mouth

Forever let us hold your banner high

M-I-C- See you next hash!

K-E-Y – Why?  Because beer likes you!

M-O-U-T-H!

 

On-out.