Date: Wednesday June 8th, 2005
Start: South side of Union Square
Hares: Dave and Junior
On-in: McQuaid’s Public House, 44th & 11th Ave
Scribe: Flaccido Domingo
Every now and then a trail comes along and essentially does its own write-up. This is one of those times. So buckle up and enjoy the ride as we careen down memory lane and reminisce about our evening in New York City on June 8th.
First off, there were a lot of people there. All of the following will likely need to serve as witnesses at the trial when the dust settles on this trail, so for posterity – and for the NYPD – here’s the list: Junior & Dave, Chad & Drew, Mike B., Booty Call, Sadie, Fuck Me I’m Gay, Captain Hollywood, Wet Connection, Devo, Slip ‘n Slide, Norma, Leo, Mickey Mouth, Jumping Jack Gash, John, Chris, Doug, Cockstar, Pay Per View, Mean Jean, Deanna, Jim Leary, Sanjay, Leslie & Peter, Beth, Kate, Erica, Karen Z, Kindergarten Kim, Mastercard, Bruce, BJ Boy, Long Winded Hash Hole, Pearl Necklace, Fast American Dave, Ilene, Justine, John Burke, Twin Peaks, a bunch of virgins including Eric, Hilary, Linda, Suchin, Jody, Helen and others, other people who I didn’t get the names of, and little ol’ moi.
Things got off to a good start at the Pre-lube at Heartland Brewery. Much the way 9/11 started as a pretty day. But let’s not dwell. Let’s go straight to the On-in and see if we can’t eavesdrop on what the pack had to say…
“You know things are f*&ked up when Sadie and Flaccido run the trail and are the first ones in.”
“Yeah, but even worse is when Mickey Mouth shortcuts and is one of the last ones in.”
“I’ve never seen a pack apologize so often to so many virgins.”
“One small step for mankind, one giant down-down for the f*&king hares.”
“Apparently it costs extra to turn on trail.”
“That trail should be called ‘shit chaos’”
“There are now two nominees for worst trail of the year – the first half of this trail, and the second half of this trail.”
“When you do the write up, consider calling this trail ‘Cluster f*&k in the West Village followed by ennui on the West Side Highway’. What a pair of dipshits.”
“Is chalk expensive these days?”
From a hare: “Pretty girls are what brings me back to the hash.”
In response: “Now we know who to blame. Nice job ladies.”
“If only they had shoved this trail down MasterCard’s toilet.”
“My trail was 80 times better than this trail.” (Which was probably true, but his trail wasn’t anything to write home about.)
“When we didn’t turn before the Javit’s Center. Yes. That’s it exactly. That’s when I knew for certain we were dealing with a$$holes.”
But in all fairness, the trail really did suck. That being said, they had a beer/shot check, which I thought was a fabulous idea. Of course Dave told the pack at the beer check that the on-in wasn’t far at all. Almost two miles later we found the on-in. Mercifully there weren’t any checks after the beer check. Of course, how do you put a check on the f*&king West Side Highway jogging path? “Geez, where could the trail go? Hmmm, I’ll check straight ahead…”
Historically when a trail sucks, the hares drink. And drink. And drink. But since these two had taken things up a notch (“But don’t you see? This one goes to eleven!”) our enlightened mismanagement decided payback was in order. And so the down-downs began.
- The Hares: Official Worst Trail of the Year Nominees, MJ handed the hares glasses of water. Junior, sensing something was amiss, tossed his. MJ then brought Sanjay up to stand in and do the down-downs for them. Fitting, since Sanjay has previously been banned from ever setting trail again.
- The Hares again, this time being told they are officially banned from ever setting trail again. Standing in for the hares were Sanjay and Fuck Me I’m Gay. Poor hares – still no beer.
- Oh wait, the hares are back, this time for setting two trails. One in the West Village, the other in the 20’s and 30’s, with apparently no connection between the two. Norma and _____ stood in for the thirsty hares.
- Pay Per View was next up, for disgracing us with her presence all this time in NYC. We’ll miss you PPV. Good luck wherever you’re going!
- Virgins and Visitors a-plenty. Hilary (ask her why in high school people would cheer their teams on by yelling “Go Beavers!”), Eric, Linda, Captain Hollywood, Suchin, Jody, Helen and gaggle of others. And no, Beth and Kate are not virgins, dammit! (Their words, not mine.)
- And finally A$$hole of the Week honors went to the obvious choice – the hares. Captain Hollywood and Linda stood-in for the increasingly thirsty hares.
For the record, the actual on-in generally excellent. Food was plentiful, the beer choices were good, hash cash lasted a long time, and generally the hashers did what hashers do – they drank themselves silly. It came as no surprise that there were still about a dozen of us – including some visitors and virgins – still at the bar when they turned off the lights and tossed us out onto the sidewalk.
But really you have to expect the food to be plentiful and the hash cash to last a long time when you have the on-in at a place that’s a block east of Hoboken. And when that place has absolutely zero regulars you know that they aren’t exactly stuffing the register night in and night out.
At least five hashers that I counted were so turned around by this trail, and had so never partied in the shadow of the UPS distribution and trucking center, that they had absolutely no idea which direction uptown or downtown was. One hasher announced that she had to get to the east side and promptly headed towards the Hudson River. Slip ‘n Slide said she needed to get uptown and started walking south on eleventh avenue. Hilary said she had to get to the east side some time before daybreak, had no idea where she was (she’s born and raised in NYC, fyi) and said “F*&k it, I’ll take a cab”.
Me, I knew exactly where I was. That’s why I took a cab too.