GGFM #186

The Truth

Official Organ of the Greater Gotham Full Moon

Hash House Harriers

G2FMH3 Hash #186 – Friday, November 10th, 2006

 

Hares: Mastercard & USMW

Start: Union Square

On-In:  Somewhere lost in the mists of time

Punk Ass Bitch (Scribe): Pussyfoot

 

Ahem.  Imagine if you will, your humble scribe sitting here in front of his laptop, confronted with the challenge of preparing a write-up of events that took place nearly 12 months ago; shame is written across his brow.  Maybe I should refer to my notes.  Ah, a wee problem there – rather than commit the evenings highs & lows to a piece of paper, I decided to record them in the form of a text message on my cellphone.  Okay then, lets check the cellphone.  Hmmm, its dead!  Was involved in a minor collision with a bus; actually the bus ran over it.  Why?  Well, because it slipped out of my pocket while I was lighting a New Year’s firework and by the time when I eventually noticed its absence, it was already in a multitude of pieces.  So, no notes then.  I could try to fake a write-up, but I’d probably end up awarding down-downs to people who weren’t even there and describe a trail that might even be an improvement on the actual one.

 

Well, there’s only one thing to do; fill up this r*n report with a load of useless drivel.  Those of you, with better things to do, can stop reading now.

 

I’m writing this report from my bedroom in Ireland and if I turn my head to the right, I can see the 3rd green of the Seapoint Golf Club.  This scene reminds my of an alternative sport that might interest you, namely BEDROOM GOLF.  Here are the rules:

 

1.            Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2.           Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.           Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4.           For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5.           Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6.           Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied & play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7.           It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well-formed mounds and bunkers.

8.           Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9.           Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10.        Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11.         Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12.        The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13.        Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the back side.

14.        Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owner’s request.

15.        It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 

And here’s an old one for you – apologies if you’ve heard it before:

 

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!

 

 

As yet another Irish author wins a major literary award, you might have heard that we were once a nation of poets (Cue Nelson the Bully from The Simpsons:”Ha Ha!”).  So here’s a little poem to finish things off

 

My nookie days are over

My pilot light is out

What used to be my sex appeal

Is now my waterspout.

 

Time was when, on its own accord

From my trousers it would spring

But now I've got a full-time job

To find the blasted thing.

 

It used to be embarrassing

The way it would behave

For every single morning

It would stand up and watch me shave.

 

Now as old age approaches

It sure gives me the blues

To see it hang its little head

And watch me tie my shoes

On On….Pussyfoot


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