Date: Wednesday May 4th, 2005
Start & Pre-lube: Flannery’s Pub, 14th St & Seventh Ave
Hares: Mean Jean and her flunky/absent sidekick JM Jumpin’ Jack Gash
On-in: Flannery’s Pub (yes kids, an A-to-A!)
Scribe: Flaccido Domingo
“The Bad News Hashers in Breaking Training”
Mean Jean (Hare)
Slip ‘n Slide
Chad & Drew
Steve (sans Eva)
Dave Too Long
Leslie & Peter
Finger Linkin’ Good
May 5th, 2005
We had our first NYC summer hash of the year yesterday. It was fun but I’m not feeling so good today. Luckily for us our new JM Mean Jean regularly worships at the Church of Latter Day Short Trails. You know, the one that excommunicated Devo and Fast American Dave a while back? Yeah, that one.
Anyways, it was an A-to-A that started and ended at Flannery’s. They didn’t even try to hide the fact by making us put our bags on the curb. Is that lazy or what? Well, off we went heading west, then north, then east, then south, then west, then north and back to Flannery’s. You get the idea. We saw parking garages, locked gates, Madison Square Park (no turbans this time though), Union Square, etc. At least that’s how I did it. Mickey Mouth, the consummate short-cutter that she is, immediately set out west and saw Washington Square Park. I don’t know why she did this, but she did. I’m sure it was nice there. Sadie got so lost checking at Madison Square Park that she did five laps around the park looking for trail. Never mind that the check was quickly pack marked heading south. I guess it proves that men aren’t the only ones who won’t stop to ask for directions. For some reason she didn’t get a down-down for this. But she did accept an offer of a “ride home” from Dumb Dick. Bad karma, hunh?
Our new mismanagement made us drink beer when we finished trail. They’re ok I guess, but I don’t think they are all there in the head if you know what I mean. But I guess for a group like ours you don’t exactly get resumes from the A-team. While we were all gathered ‘round the following people got called out for special attention:
- The hares: JM Mean Jean and Religious Advisor Bottom. Our other JM – Jumpin’ Jack Gash – was nowhere to be found, so Bottom had to stand-in. Apparently JJG took home his life-sized cardboard cut-out of himself in a gold shiny toga and black hose and has started a small business down in Times Square. He’s got the cut-out and a Polaroid camera and is asking tourists for $5 for a picture with the famous JJG. He can’t spare the time to come to the hash while he runs his business. Fair enough I guess. But I suspect we’ll be seeing him back on trail soon.
- Virgins and Visitors a-plenty: Visitors Oh Shit (San Fran), Humper (Cardiff UK?), Lizzie (Manchester) and Paul (Cardiff). Virgins: Sadie (born-again) Brian, Jenn, Dan, Mike, Tomas. A motley lot to be sure, especially with that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look like that crazy woman who ran away from the altar in Georgia the other day. They fit right in.
- Visitor Humper for leaving his socks in the bathroom at the start, and then going back to retrieve them after setting off on trail. Apparently the A-to-A concept didn’t quite sink in, or he was worried that somebody would actually steal his smelly socks from the bathroom. Either way, he had to drink. Calls for tea-bagging went unheeded however.
- Mickey Mouth for most creative long-cut of the year so far. Considering this was an A-to-A, she might get extra credit in her evening classes. Unknown to many, she’s actually working on a masters degree at the esteemed Magoo Institute of Trail Finding.
- Ookie Cookie and Jim Leary and and Long Winded Hash Hole for some sort of dubious theory about penises being cut in half and double the nerves or some such nonsense. It didn’t make sense to me. But LWHH did make the claim that he could “double fist anything”. That made sense to me.
- Jim Leary again for sporting a hat in the circle. Silly boy.
- Flaccido Domingo for being dumb enough to still be cumming to the hash exactly a year after he started hashing.
- Peter for getting older. Happy Birthday F*&k You!
- And finally our A$$hole of the week went to Dave Too Long. After the AGM Hash Mean Jean scurried away with JJG’s cardboard cutout so that he could start his own business, and Dave promised to take Lisa her cutout. He of course forgot it at the On-in and they threw it away before he went back. Bad bad boy Dave. Drink up.
Anyway Lupus, the On-in was lots of fun. Here’s some of the stuff I remember (somewhat) clearly:
When our new JM Mean Jean (and apparently Minister if Misinformation) announced that “Pizza was on its way”, most of the people who had already been busy eating pizza momentarily paused to wonder who’s pizza they were eating. Thoughts that maybe they shouldn’t be eating pizza yet failed to cross anybody’s mind.
It turns out all that email traffic we saw on the list server about lost items of clothing from the AGM came from the haberdashery. Apparently the new Haberdashers Karen Z. and Stacia took to heart Bottom’s advice to “move the inventory”. If you want NYC Hash items you’d better get them soon – at this rate it’ll be gone before you know it.
Kindergarten Kim meanwhile spent the better part of ten minutes imploring the scribe to not put her in the write-up this week. Her arguments included 1) she hadn’t kissed Charlotte this week, 2) she hadn’t kissed any other hashers since Saturday, 3) she hadn’t made any comments that night about her various sexual likes or dislikes, and 4) she is in fact a good kisser. All very valid arguments. I’m sure the scribe won’t put her in the write-up after hearing all that.
Ookie Cookie and Jim Leary are part-time philosophers. No, its true. Jim was opining about infidelity and drew a sharp line in the sand between need and desire. Ok, so it wasn’t quite so sharp. But he made a good argument that while the term ‘cuckold’ means “a man who is married to an unfaithful wife”, he much prefers the term ‘cock-hold’. Indeed. Ookie meanwhile was waxing philosophic on the topic of “all men are a$$holes.” She too had a good point.
Devo the notorious FRB, asked to borrow a pen from the scribe – the one person who actually needed a pen – and then proceeded to keep it as he left the On-in. If it were up to me, he’d get a down-down for that at the next hash.
Anyway, that’s the stuff I remember. I’m On-outta here…