NYCH3 # 1049 – AGM

NYCH3 #1049, AGM, May 1, 2004

HARES: The Committee

Start: Jeremy’s Ale House

On In: Jeremy’s Ale House

Scribe: Mean Jean

As the Republican National Convention prepares to roll into town this summer, that other sacred democratic institution was downtown this past Saturday initiating the peaceful transfer of power from committee to committee. Yes, the NYCH3 held their Annual General Meeting (the 20th such meeting, in case you’re counting).  Incumbent JMs HUA and Got Wood? hung on for a win on the strength of their populist campaign slogan, “Follow My Ass to the Beer,” the hotly-contested state of Florida notwithstanding (where it is rumored that AGM-absentee Peter was on a last-minute campaign stump with running mate Vince Cloud). With nary a hanging chad in site and the only dimples to be found were on the new boy, Patrick, and the only thing pregnant was the unenviable pause one needs make between ordering the Saranac and the Coors Light, this year’s AGM went off without a hitch.


New committee members Cockstar and Kyle sailed through the Senate confirmation hearings with flying colors (though accusations regards promised sexual favors are still being investigated). Returning committee ex pat Dave Too Long surrendered his passport and promises a plunger in every pot.  Reelected committee returnees include On Sec Mean Jean (she who controls the press controls all), Haberdasher Bottom (sartorial irony noted), Hash Cash Peter Trunfio (inspired by Tyco mistrial), Webmiser Choriki (“we don’t need no stinkin’ website”), and Minister of Pubic Relations Magoo (models himself on former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed “there-are-no-US-tanks-rolling-into-Baghdad” Saeed al-Sahaf.)


The delegates were assembled at Jeremy’s Ale House on a sparkling spring Saturday ready to reaffirm the NYCH3 three-part platform of 1) beer, 2) beer and 3) more beer. Despite the unity on display, there were still diverse political action committees at work: Marit, Anouk and Dr. Steve were lobbying support for the AMA’s liver donation program; Kiss My Rash, Scottish Andrew, English Andrew and new guy Andy were launching a stealth campaign to have “Andrew” replace “Dave” as the official name of too many hashers; Joe the Body Croft, Burke, Jerry and Fluffy were reaching out for an AARP alliance; and Cockstar and Mean Jean were pushing to have Front Street renamed “Hashers with Disabilities Avenue.”


The delegates were then sent out on trail to campaign on the streets of NYC while back at the convention center, backroom deals were brokered to arrive at a suitable platform and roster of nominees.  Well, actually five margaritas were dispensed to the interested parties and voila! a committee was born. (you always wondered how the committee worked!)



A few of our more civic-minded honorees were acknowledged during the closing ceremonies:


Hares HUA and Heather set trail but called on Pearl Necklace and Dave Long respectively to take their due down downs and played into their cross-gendered selections when Pearl beat Too Long to the tune of “Beaten by a woman…” 


Joe the Body Croft and Scooter Gleason were called up for trail complaining and overgadgetry.


Wet Connection’s civic pride platform was debunked when she sent Ground Zero-bound tourists toward the Bronx on trail.


Dave Too Long’s utility shorts were in play again as his cellphone escaped once more; he was also honored for appearing at year’s AGM in 3-living-color-dimensions after last year’s “Flat Dave” appearance. (Mike Bahamonde boycotted this year’s AGM saying, “3D Dave never looked twice at me; bring back the flat, pliant, supple, bendy one.”


No support for the Family and Medical Leave Act: AOTW went to the Cardinal for leaving his post partum wife at home with the new baby.


Fluffy was out campaigning for reversion of the open container prohibition when ticketed by police outside Waikiki Wally’s on the previous night’s pub crawl.


Onto the results of the AGM voting:


FOUR MORE YEARS (or, depending on your point of view, BRING BACK TERM LIMITS): HUA and Heather are back for another go-round.


Concession speeches were made by outgoing committee members Jesse, Sarah Downunder and Ewa.


RECOUNT DEMANDED: Cockstar (On Sec), Dave Long (Trailmaster), and Kyle (Hareraiser) (accepting in his absence was his plucky widow, Scooter Gleason).


COUPLE OF THE YEAR: Cockstar and Jon-Boy. In Jon-Boy’s absence, honors went to Alison’s two best friends, left tit and right tit.


WORST TRAIL: Running unopposed, Ted Pitt’s Trail of Tears. Three unidentified hashers are still on trail.


WORST ON IN: Lil Kim and Ciderman’s Pine Tree Lodge debacle…expensive beer, surly bartender, no water (wait, why is that different from any other on in?)



ED LYNCH IS A HOMOSEXUAL AWARD: Magoo. Someone’s going to have to explain this down down to me one of these days.



SAD BASTARD AWARD: Dave Too Long for going to England, then coming back. And going to England, then coming back. And going to England, then coming back. And going to England, then coming back. And going to England, then coming back. And going to England, then coming back. And going to England, then coming back. (Did I get them all?)


THE COVETED ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR: Despite the mathematical elimination of every other contender, Jesse still lost the honor to Kim who won for upsetting the female hashers with the continuous twat-blocking that earned her an official hashname:

Mastercard, she’s everywhere you want to be.



The balloons and confetti were dropped from the ceiling and the inaugural ball continued on into the night with the usual heady discussions continuing from the convention floor: HUA, Mean Jean and Mastercard on the vagaries of bra cup sizes; Scooter teaching Fairy Queen how to “lay the foundation” with a harriette, Magoo’s diatribe on why Styrofoam cups will not be the environment’s Waterloo; Scottish Andrew pondering the etymology of the word “salloon” [sic]; and the usual face-sucking and ass-grabbing from Stewa. 


And another AGM enters the history books.  Can’t wait for the NYCH3 to turn 21 next year…then we can drink!


On out.

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