Sloppy Cosmo’s Birthday/Virgin Lay!
Hash started off promising with Turd Dimension took off his pants in BillyMark’s West, forgetting he had no running shorts on.
Started 7:15pm ish at which point almost no one listened to Cosmo’s chalk talk. Good to know Cosmo’s parents are around because they were bag hares and drink checkers… too bad they peaced out early and no one gave them a down-down!
So we ran around like idiots for a while in the west side where everything is under construction. I immediately spotted a broken fire hydrant which was sadly too heavy to take for loot (at least 80lbs!). Apparently Just Kyle has also tried to steal a fire hydrant before and it is just too heavy to take. Oh well.
At one of the first checks, some hashers went the correct way and up into this elevated courtyard area while the rest of us followed along on the ground. And then we went onto the High Line (before or after this?) where we got just a tiniest bit confused when we ran into a dead end. But we figured it out, because we’re smart hashers!
Then the most terrible part of the hash: Times Square. I personally experienced a lot of yelling from pedestrians, who either hated runners or cheered us on. Good thing my fellow Harriette Just Anne helped me out in shouting abuse back at those who questioned why we would do such a thing like run in Times Square. While Just Anne shouted back “we can run wherever we want”, I too pondered why I had made decisions leading to this point.
But then we got past the hateful Times Square and meandered our way into Central Park. And by “meandered” I mean we went past some really shady places where it was possible to buy hard drugs and use them without much comment. Cum on Moses and I both misinterpreted a hash sign before going into Central Park, but good thing there were other, more experienced hashers around because otherwise we would’ve missed the first drink check! Which included a piñata!
Just Dave offered a sweaty headband as a blindfold and when no one stepped up to the plate to put on this testosterone-soaked headband over their eyes, some brilliant hasher had the idea to pull their shirt over their head to cover their eyes. Which we did! Except for me, which hashers allowed because of my racial attributes (JUST KIDDING). Coneylingus broke the piñata with his manly strength, and best surprise of the evening, IT WAS FILLED WITH BOOZE. It was like the The Walking Dead when (spoiler alert) Shane kills a fat man by pushing him into the direction of the zombies in order to run away. That piñata had no chance. The piñata head was brought to the on-in as sacrifice.
I also heard the beer was good, and candy, but as we were already 4.27 miles into the hash and had JUST COME ALONG TO THE FIRST BEER CHECK, I decided to abstain. Also, (was it Metwosweatual?) scared the shit out of me by pretending to be a cop. So I drank a down-down for that at the on-in.
At some point, Cheeky Bastard (aptly-named) flashed Whatacunt with his too-short shorts. Also, Mandatory Fun was ‘nice on trail’ by righting a street sign he had knocked over after feeling pangs of guilt and remorse after half a block. And Jersey Asshole and Mandatory Fun also hollered at some poor girl saying she was going the wrong way. The men on trail are just so sassy.
Then we go to the second beer check after a lot of uphills in Central Park. My ass looks great, by the way.
And second drink check had an awesome drink named Sloppy Cosmo, grapefruity and tangy and not too sweet (just the way I like my _____). Before you drank though, you had to POP YOUR CHERRY. And by cherry we mean red balloon. And by red balloon we mean it was filled with confetti (not glitter apparently). Ice Ice Pussy, myself and Dumb Buff popped our cherry in Dumb Buff’s first three-way, and I think Fast American Dave almost got his rib broken by having someone pop his. Also, thanks for the reminder of “Requiem for a Dream” by chanting “Ass to Ass” as Ice Ice Pussy and I grinded our butts against the balloon trying to pop it. No one warned me about that movie and I watched it by myself on a Friday night in a shitty apartment and afterward I wondered whether life was really worth living.
So before Fast American Dave got hypothermia from all the sweat quickly chilling on his body, we went along our merry way where nothing really happened except that Tequila Whore quoted Monty Python, then got called out in circle for it along with Dildo Baggone, which I personally felt was acceptable hash behavior.
On-In was Dublin’s Pub on West 79th and Broadway. Upon arrival, I had the wonderful view of Doggie Erectus and his legs at a solid 90-degree angle, as well as some other hashers upon getting to the on-in. I clocked in 6.19 miles over the course of 1 hour and 29 minutes. Mandatory Fun had closer to 7.
On-in was great, circle was well-run especially with Splat and his bullhorn of a voice and Stinky Fingers, who communicated effortlessly the accusations of the night. Of course we wished Cosmopolitits and Sloppy Thirds a proper hashy birthday (fuck you!). There was hot dogs, vegetarian hot dogs, mac and cheese, onion rings and those hashtag-like potato things which I never remember the name of. CPA, Surprise! I’m Illiterate, and Georgi le Fordi arrived in civilian clothing at the end of the hash.
Coneylingus was called into circle because he’s apparently terrible at setting the hotline. Twice.
One thing to note is that the hash almost destroyed Cum on Moses when he refused to drink beer out of his NEW SHOES. He REFUSED. I have never seen the hash so close to stoning one of their own.
Virgins joining us tonight was Just Justin, who was made to cum by Ice Ice Pussy. Visitors were someone from Berlin, someone from Glasgow, and Dumb Buff.
Howl at the Poon