Date: 30th April 2006
Start: 103rd & Broadway
Hares: Hardman & Laird
On-in: Broadway Dive (101st & Broadway)
There’s a tradition in the New York City Hash, you might call it an edict from the ruling cabal (I, of course could not possibly comment), that requires Hardy to set the last trail of the winter season. 2006 was no exception.
There’s a tradition in Hardy’s head, you might call it an Alzheimer’s issue (I, of course, could not possibly comment), that requires Hardy to start the trail at 103rd and Broadway and set the On-In within spitting distance of the start. 2006 was no exception.
The advantage of this latter arrangement is that, for those among us who lack both the stamina and Hardy’s memory loss issues, the end of the trail need never be out of sight. For the rest of us muppets, who chose to r*n the whole thing, well, quite frankly we knew what we were signing up for.
What did we sign up for? Well, according to at least one hasher at the On In, it was “The Best Trail of the Year”.**
From 103rd & Broadway, the thirty or so hashers headed directly east towards the Park and our first check. After some milling around, the FRBs lead us into the Park, south and then east towards the North Meadow. The trail wove from there north near the ravine and then east again towards the Conservatory Garden.
We didn’t make it out of the Park, turning instead north past the sweet-smelling composting area. A check took us further north up to Fort Clinton. Those familiar with the Fort went around it to Harlem Meer. The less knowledgeable ploughed over the top and down the vertical cliff face on the other side.
A nice scenic jog around the lake to the ice rink brought us to another check the resolution to which was around the back of the rink and then west into the North Woods. From there it was a sprint north to the Frederick Douglass Circle exit at the northwest corner and thence north into Morningside Park. A hike to the top of the not insignificant set of steps at 116th brought us to yet another check.
True trail wound from there north along the path below street level and then out at 118th (yes, more steps) and around the corner into the Columbia campus. Yet another check sent us first north and then back south into Riverside Park. A brief and foolish detour down towards the Hudson was suitably punished by yet more steps back up and out of the Park at around 104th. A final turn round the corner at 101st brought us back, as predicted, a stone’s throw from where we started, the Broadway Dive (101st & Broadway).
The r*nning shenanigans out of the way, we proceeded promptly to the Down Downs. Firstly, Hardy was “invited” to drink for having set such a glorious and faultless trail. Laird apparently assisted in this endeavour, presumably as his humble disciple taking notes along the way. (At least Laird didn’t delegate to his son, Gregory, on this occasion: most of us still haven’t got over the last such debacle)
Chad was told to drink for bringing the good name of the hash into disrepute. Well, at least for burping loudly while Kyle was in the middle of talking. A shocking faux pas in such civilised company.
Mary was instructed to drink for insurrection in the Hash. Apparently, after having r*n 13.1 miles in, of all places, the Borough of Queens, she was told that “Dave Hardy says the Queens half is the easiest of them all”. To which wisdom, Mary “deathwish” Sweeney responded, “F*ck Dave Hardy!” This was followed by a sharp intake of breath from all those within earshot and cries of “Heretic!” and “She’s a witch: burn her!”
Then, somewhat outside the normal order of things, the visitors were given a down down. “Gee, Your Dick Smells Terrific” from San Francisco and the much more sensibly named “Lisa” from Guam.
DBB and Peter had to drink on account of planting their arses on the benches in the bar and, thereafter, attempting to get service (of an alcoholic nature) from anyone who happened to be passing by without getting up. The jury’s out on who was the more persuasive in achieving this goal. They did not, however, get up for their down down.
Wet Connection, Peter and Gregory were called up for a birthday down-down. Gregory’s presence required that we actually sing the clean version of “Happy Birthday f*ck you”. Though, so indoctrinated have we become, the large degree of mumbling in the rendition indicated that many actually didn’t know what the clean version was.
Bruce and James, who either a) are new to the Hash; b) just crave the attention, or c) think hashers who can spot an arrow at 200 yards aren’t going to spot a dazzling new pair of shoes, were required to drink out of their dazzling new pairs of shoes.
Alice and Greg, who are obviously both new to planet Earth, received this week’s weather.com fashion award after failing to identify that big yellow ball in the middle of the clear blue sky as a significant heat source and decided to r*n in seventeen layers of clothes.
Finally, the Assholes Of The Week were Ass Ranger and Robert who, after having successfully navigated the entire trail, managed to miss the final marks to the On-In, ended up at the start and, with the memory of a goldfish, began r*nning it all over again. Assholes indeed.
Also, for the benefit of Ass Ranger, we have a public service announcement. If you’re too retarded to figure out when to start drinking your “down down”, here’s a tip: wait for the f*cking words “down down” in the song, asshole!
**Yeah, okay, so the “one hasher” was Dave Hardy. Well, I’m not as reckless as Sweeney to criticise one of the revered UWS Hash Mafiosi.