Start: 72nd and CPW
Hares: Cockstar and Jumpin’ Jack Gash
On-in: Ding Dong Lounge, 106 & Columbus
Scribe: Mean Jean
Subject was allegedly “hashing,” a form of mis-organized r*nning where socially-challenged, alcohol-dependent individuals come together, follow a trail illegally marked in flour or chalk and spend countless hours in a bar afterwards, drinking beer, singing loud, offensive songs, and attempting to get laid.
We’ve established a timeline of events leading up to the disappearance:
3:05PM Subject is seen on corner of 72nd and CPW in the company of shady suspects impersonating r*nners.
3:10PM Subject’s daughter assigns “VERY SLOW” runner Mean Jean to accompany her father on trail when he expresses worry about getting lost.
Mean Jean expresses annoyance at being “pigeon-holed” as a slow runner; is told “if the Asic fits…”
3:15PM Hares Jumpin’ Jack Gash and Cockstar send pack on their way down narrow path on inner wall of CPW; subject takes off, leaving Mean Jean in the dust
3:30PM FRBs still trying to emerge from 50 yard narrow path as Mean Jean has created a traffic jam (did someone say “VERY SLOW”?)
Much disarray as pack heads across lake and toward Bethesda Fountain; first time subject finds himself separated from the pack; Mean Jean finds him and reels him back in; initial concern for subject may in fact have been a decoy, lulling him into a false sense of security, for her later ditching
3:50PM Trail heads out of the park at 78th St and over to Madison Ave. Subject appears comfortable in small pack with Lesley, Mean Jean, newbies Erica, Natalie and the two Swiss Misses.
3:51PM Lesley clues Mean Jean in on the short cut which her tequila-addled body issuddenly finding appealing
Trail heads back towards park at north end of the Met. North toward Engineers Gate. It is here where Mean Jean plots the “ditch”. After spying Dogface Gilbert and Patrick just solving a check, she feigns a shoelace re-tie and sends subject east with Dogface and Patrick. Once clear, she heads north following the shortcut as described to her earlier.
4:15PM Pack is fully congregated at the Ding Dong Lounge after a traipse across the northern end of the park, a scramble across the ravine and up the North Woods, and monster check at the Great Hill with true trail heading out of the park at 106 and CPW. Subject is nowhere to be seen.
Pertinent witness statements follow:
Mean Jean: “I will not lose your father again. I will not lose your father again. I will not lose your father again. I will not lose your father again. I will not lose your father again. I will not lose your father again.”
Cockstar: “Damn straight you won’t. Hey, can I get another Yeunling Yeungling?”
Dogface: “I just turned my head for a minute. I thought Patrick was looking out for him.”
(Non-Booty Call) Patrick: “I just turned my head for a minute. I thought
Booty Call Patrick: “What the f*ck do I f*ckin’ care about a f*ckin’ father. How are we on f*ckin’ hash cash?”
Marie Wickham: “Hey, I disappeared too. Where’s my APB?”
Wet Connection: “I don’t know where he is but can I show you a charming 2-bedroom 2-1/2 bath on the west side?”
Jonathan the Taller: “Wasn’t there Easter candy last year?”
Lisa: “What are you asking me for? I just want to hustle these guys at Ms. Pac
The following charges have already been filed in relation to the events leading up to the disappearance:
Hares Cockstar and Jumpin Jack Gash for false imprisonment of hashers on a crap trail
Dogface Gilbert for illegally entering the country and other varied visiting offenses.
Lost-on-trail newbie hashers Erica and Natalie for harassment of French tourists in Central Park to borrow their cell phone, and then using it to call 1-800-HASH NYC (as if)
Rachel for solicitation on trail
Mean Jean receive AOTW for First Degree Ditching of Cockstar’s dad
Anyone with any information leading to the safe return of Neil, please call the special hotline, 1-800-FIND-DAD. The Naidech family is offering as a reward for the safe return of Neil, the hand of their only daughter Alison in marriage (but only if you are a slim, non-angry, Jewish doctor over the age of 30).