HARES: The New/Old JMs
Start: 14th and
On In: Flannery’s
Stinko De Mayo
If you are looking for a history of Cinqo de Mayo or anything serious, you’re looking in the wrong place. May I suggest you seek out Jessie or Dave (TB) Croft for this purpose; they seem to have unleashed a rash of emails last week on this particular topic (btw – if my memory serves me correctly – I believe Ted Pitt was involved as well but, if not, ask him anyway), which not only cluttered my Yahoo account, but prevented me from receiving my daily ration of pornographic spam. Shame on you all!
So for this, my first write-up as an “official” scribe (whatever that means), I have consulted my encyclopedia, lexicon and searched my deep and vast knowledge of all things Mexican. Alas, for you readers, all I could come up with were Mexican restaurants, beers, tequilas, various edibles and ancient pop culture.
Does anyone remember the Frito Bandito???? He was a character in a commercial for Frito-Lay corn chips. This was truly one of the most un-PC commercials ever run. If I remember correctly (I may have been aided here by a comedian, who will remain nameless to protect the innocent and make it seem like I came up with this myself), the Frito Bandito was a man dressed in what was deemed to be “Mexican” garb; he wore tight white pants with a matching shirt (unbuttoned to he navel), a sombrero and, most notably, a string of bullets across his chest. He appears in the commercial with guns ablaze, stealing bags of Frito-Lay corn chips from unsuspecting cowboys. He then proceeds to scarfs them all down all by himself. At the end of the commercial, he is filmed seated against a wall in a poncho, with the sombrero over his face, taking a nap!!!!!!!
Obviously, during these highly enlightened and ethnically-conscious times, and under our well-meaning administration, these types of antics would not be tolerated. Not even in an Iraqi prison! But I digress.
What a motley group of amigos turned up for the Stinko de Mayo run at . Amongst our venerable group of Papis were: Geoff, Seth, Scott, Speedy Gonzales (Am. Dave #6), Patrick, Bahamonde, Magoo, Two Fingers Tequila (Cree’s brother Wyeth — ask Cree about his name), Danny, Phillip, Rick, Paul, Bruce, Dr. Steve and Smashmouth. Our Mammacitas included: Rosa Mexicano (Mean Jean), Hole Mole (Marie), Alice, Pearl Necklace, Dos Equis (Drs. Ookie-Cookie and soon-to-be Debbie), Marit, Lisa and our favorite Corona Light (Legs Leslie). Where does/do Stewa go I wonder? If they could keep their Enchiladas off of each other, we might actually figure it out.
El Teddies (that would be me and Couple of the Year) showed up at the on-in just as the trail ended promptly at . OK – I exaggerate by ten minute MAYBE – but I call it poetic license. As usual, the run ended at one of the finer Mexican establishments in the City — Zarela’s (a/k/a Flannery’s – where ALL self-respecting Mexicans celebrate Cinqo de Mayo). The Herradura, Patron and Jose Cuervo (a/k/a beer) started to flow and, after a short siesta, the down-downs were doled out among our Frito-Banditos.
Our Patron (Heather ?Got Wood? Malloy) was sans Senior Swanky (a/k/a HUA), blaming him for what I’ve been told was a last-minute and mucho Tortilla Flats trail. The first down-down went to Smashmouth for complaining about the trail, which the Patron claimed was, at most, two miles long.
Next up were the Visitors and Virgins. John, a pseudo-old Burrito of mine from the NYC school system, and two Guacamoles from the EU drank for being the new Tostadas on the block. These two Guacamoles were also accused of being ex-members of ABBA. As if that wasn’t enough public humiliation, the taller of the two was nicknamed “Wet Connection” for the evening because of her– I mean his — (with Christine’s haircut stories, this blonde Burrito is getting confused) – similarity to Christine. Her legs were obviously missed. Jacob the Fajita (a/k/a French) imbibed with his fellow ex-band member. The two mamacitas amongst the V&V were Sue and Gayla. One of them works “for” MJ. I think there’s a possible hostile work environment claim here.
Rick drank in place of Senior Swanky for missing trail because — as we all know — “When one bald Papi drinks, all bald Papis drink!”
Given the paucity of trail offenses, our Patron was forced to call up Hole Mole (Marie) Wickham for telling a rollerblader to go Fajita himself on trial when he cut her off. Finally, Nacho of the Week went to Cree for beating all of the charges when he got arrested on trail and not being sent to Mexican prison where he belongs!
Rumor has it that as soon as Kyle showed up, all Chipotle broke loose, body-shots began and naked mud wrestling ensued.
‘Til next time my little Jalapenos.
Andelee Andelee! On out.